Previous: What Economy? (Celestial Conversations - IV)
Me: Hello, God?
Me: Thank God, I've found you!
God: You're welcome.
Me: I wanted to speak to you about that Search Engine you wanted.
Me: I wanted to discuss the financial details of the project.
God: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't afford to hire you.
God: I don't have any money.
God: Yes. I don't get paid, you see.
Me: Of course you don't get paid! You're God!
God: That's funny. My secretary said something very similar.
Me: Well, it's pretty obvious isn't it?
God: Not to me. Anyway. If I don't get paid, how can I pay you?
Me: But you're God!
God: How does that have anything to do with it?
Me: You can make money.
God: I don't think you understand.
Me: What's there to understand?
God: See, to make money, I need to produce something. To produce anything, I need a workforce. To have a workforce, I need to hire people, and to hire people I need to be able to pay them. And to pay them, I need money!
Me: This is crazy!
God: I know. It took me by surprise too, the first time.
Me: That's not what I meant. Anyway. I meant you could create money.
God: You mean in a mint?
Me: If that's the way you prefer it.
God: No way. I don't want a counterfeit note-printing investigation in heaven.
Me: I actually meant just creating money out of nothing at all.
God: Oh, that's not so easy. Considering the inefficiencies of converting energy to matter, and factoring in leakage, I'd need to use up a small star just to generate enough paper, and then some more to get it in the form of valid bank notes. And even then, I'd probably be setting back entropy by centuries. You have no idea of the trouble that kind of thing can cause.
Me: But it's just some money! After all, you made the universe!
God: Ah. That, was my biggest failure.
God: Yes. All I'd intended to create was a singularity. And before I'd had enough time to study it, it exploded! You call it the Big Bang. How you people guessed it, is beyond me.
Me: You mean the Universe was a mistake?
God: Of course! You think I'd make something that took up so much space, on purpose? Do you have any idea about the cost of real estate these days? It drove me to bankruptcy. I even had to move headquarters inside the universe.
Me: So heaven is actually a place in the universe?
God: Unfortunately, that's true.
God: Oh, I keep moving it around to prevent discovery. It wouldn't be very nice if people discovered that heaven is just a plane ride away, would it?
Me: Plane ride? You mean it's on earth?
God: Where else? It's the only planet I know of that supports life.
Me: So where is it now?
God: Right now, it's in Bosnia.
God: Hard to believe, isn't it? That's what makes it such a good hideout.
God: I know. It makes me proud. Before this, we were stationed out of Iraq. But Saddam spoiled it for me. The Americans nearly bombed us out of existence with one of their bombs. A few metres to the left, and there'd have been no more heaven.
God: I know.
Me: I think I have a headache.
God: Take a couple of aspirin.
Me: I don't think that'd work this time...
Next: Book sales: Celestial Conversations - VI