First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: What the Devil: Celestial Conversations - #31

Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: So, did You have any luck on Twitter?
God: Yes, a few people finally started following me. So they are all now My prophets.
Me: That's great to hear.
God: I think it was Luci's doing. He promised people a seat in the house where a retired colonel lives.
Me: Retired colonel?
God: Yes, he said that My first 1000 followers will have a seat reserved right next to Heaven. There's only one house next to Our place. A retired colonel lives there. Grumpy old man. Not sure why people would be interested in living with him.
Me: Right. Well, Your new prophets must be happy.
God: I have no idea. They mostly won't speak to Me.
Me: Oh?
God: Yes. Instead, one guy wanted to confess to Me. What do I look like? A priest?
Me: So no one is speaking to You?
God: One guy did, but only to tell Me he thought I am a fake.
Me: So what did You do?
God: Damned him to Hell.
Me: Ah. Anyway, about Your prophets, what do You expect them to do?
God: Spread My word, of course!
Me: What word is that?
God: What do you mean by What word?
Me: I mean, if they go out and spread your word, what is it that they should be saying?
God: Whatever they want, as long as it's My word they're spreading.
Me: But You must have a message for the world.
God: What, like SMS?
Me: Not exactly.
God: I don't have a mobile phone. Do you think getting one will help?
Me: No, I don't think it will help. Unless You are interested in getting a lot of credit cards, personal loans or life insurance.
God: Life insurance? For Me?
Me: I think You need to come up with a message that You want Your prophets to spread.
God: But I don't have any message.
Me: Well, come up with one.
God: Like what?
Me: I don't know, something You want people to know.
God: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
God: So you want Me to tell My prophets to go and tell people things like "There's a sale at Reebok"?
Me: Uh, not exactly.
God: Then?
Me: I can't make up Your messages for You!
God: Why not?
Me: Because then it wouldn't be The Word of God. It would be The Word of Me!
God: Well you're the one who wants Me come up with a message in the first place.
Me: So You don't have any message for the world?
God: No.
Me: And You want Your prophets to spread what?
God: My word.
Me: Okay. I'm glad we got that cleared up.
God: Good. Now I must go and set up a Facebook account.
Me: Right. Facebook has more followers than Buddha.
God: What? I didn't even know Buddha had any followers! I asked him for help setting up a Twitter account, and he said he didn't bother with such futile activity. The liar. I'm going to kill him!
Me: I told You before, it's not that kind of follower.
God: I'm logging off. I have some business to take care of.

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Of Online Identities: Celestial Conversations - #30

Me: Hello?
Devil: Hello.
Me: You!
Devil: Yes, me. The one and only.
Me: What are you doing here? I didn't even say your name this time.
Devil: Don't you know the date today?
Me: What, the 9th of September?
Devil: The 9th day of the 9th month of the 9th year of the millennium. And it's 9'o'clock by the way.
Me: I thought that only worked with 6.
Devil: 9 is just 6 upside down.
Me: So what, you're going to be good today?
Devil: Damn, you're smart. I was hoping no one would realize this.
Me: What, you're actually being good?
Devil: Don't have much of a choice. Mathematics is one area I have no control over.
Me: Really?
Devil: Yeah. But I once hypnotized God into forgetting about the number Seven.
Me: What?
Devil: Yeah. So when he counted, eight came after six. I got Him to count His fingers, and He ended up thinking He suddenly had eleven fingers on His hands! It drove Him crazy!
Me: I'm sure it did. So what good things are you planning to do?
Devil: Well, for one, I'm going to try to get God more followers on Twitter.
Me: Ah! That would be interesting. So what is your strategy going to be?
Devil: Well, for one, we have to beat the skepticism. People don't believe He's God, so they won't follow him. That's actually my fault. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. My guys have done a LOT to get that to work. Now, for one day, I need to get around exactly those problems.
Me: So how do you fix the skepticism?
Devil: I tried getting Him a Verified Account.
Me: But isn't that manually screened? You need to convince the guys who run the site, that it actually is God's account.
Devil: Yes, I did figure that out. And yet, I had convinced the guy who was screening this case.
Me: So, what happened?
Devil: Uh, it's embarrassing. Rookie mistake, really. I tried to get him to sell me his soul to me.
Me: Ah.
Devil: You have no idea how big the urge was. And I haven't done that in years! Not with the overcrowding in hell and stuff.
Me: So, no verified account then?
Devil: Nope.
Me: Any other good deeds you intend to spectacularly fail at?
Devil: There are a couple. One is ending poverty. And the other is fixing global warming.
Me: You don't think small, do you?
Devil: Comes with the territory. You don't get known as God's greatest adversary, getting cats stuck in trees.
Me: Right.
Devil: I've done that too, of course.
Me: Cats in trees?
Devil: Yes, cats are inherently evil, so it makes it more fun. Plus, you tie up a bunch of hard-working firefighters in a futile exercise. The cat's going to jump down on its own anyway.
Me: So if you're being good today, what's God doing?
Devil: Trying to be evil.
Me: What?
Devil: Well, God's not very used to the whole Evil thing of course, so I started him off small.
Me: Like what?
Devil: I've asked him to memorize the lyrics to some songs with adult lyrics.
Me: Oh.
Devil: Don't worry. I started him easy. He'll start with Black-Eyed-Peas' "My Humps". He'll probably not even understand what they mean. Then we'll move him on to Lil Kim's "Download", before we get to the heavier stuff.
Me: Ouch.
Devil: Oh, you haven't heard the best part yet. At the end of the day, He's supposed to do a concert of the dirtiest songs in front of everyone in Heaven and Hell!
Me: That does sound evil. Poor Him.
Devil: Oh, it will be a blast.
Me: Well, I guess you have work to do.
Devil: Yes, I better get back to it.
Me: Bye, then.
Devil: Tada!

Next: Being social: Celestial Conversations - #32

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Miracles and Failure: Celestial Conversations - XXIX

Me: Hey, God.
God: Hello. You've changed the numbering scheme?
Me: Yes, I thought XXX in the title would attract the wrong kind of search traffic.
God: No traffic is bad traffic, I always say. And I am God, so I know of such things.
Me: So what are You up to?
God: Oh, I've spent the last couple of days on Twitter.
Me: Ah, how come?
God: Well, the first day was spent trying to find a username that wasn't already taken. There are a LOT of impostors there. I tried "God", "GodHimself", "TheRealGod", "IAmGod", "G_O_D", "Gawd" and a few hundred others.
Me: Yes, a lot of people like to speak on Your behalf.
God: One would think that they'd at least ask Me if I approve.
Me: Well Twitterers aren't the only ones saying things on Your behalf without Your approval, You know.
God: What do you mean?
Me: A little something called religion.
God: Oh. That.
Me: Yes. So, did you finally find a username?
God: I almost didn't. Then I had a brainwave.
Me: What?
God: I chose NotDevil.
Me: "NotDevil"? That's your username?
God: You try searching for a username with my name that's not taken. This was the best I could do.
Me: Well, ok. If You say so. But why Twitter?
God: I heard it was a great place to get followers.
Me: I'm not sure they meant that kind of follower.
God: Nonsense. What other kind of follower can there be? In any case, it doesn't work. I've been on this stupid site for a whole day, and no one is following Me.
Me: Ok.
God: I search for Myself in Twitter, and the thing is, a million people are talking to Me, thanking me, or just taking My name, but they are all ignoring me!
Me: Well, they don't really know that you're not an impostor.
God: That's true. For a while there, a couple of hundred poor women signed up as my followers, but they disappeared a little while later.
Me: Couple of hundred poor women? How do you know they were poor?
God: Their pictures proved they couldn't afford any clothes.
Me: Right. So, what have else You been doing on Twitter?
God: I've been replying to people.
Me: Replying?
God: For example, someone said "Thank God." So I replied, "You're welcome."
Me: Ah.
God: One person finally followed Me, so I made him My prophet.
Me: You did?
God: Yes, but it didn't work. He's too lazy. He's not even trying to speak to me. So I made a deal with Luci. He's going to Hell.
Me: Ah.
God: In any case, I must get back to Twitter.
Me: Why?
God: There are a number of people who keep saying I don't exist. I need to have a word with them.
Me: Right. All the best.
God: Thank you. Hey, are you on twitter?
Me: Why?
God: You should follow Me.
Me: Would you look at the time? Gotta go. Bye!

Next: What the Devil: Celestial Conversations - #31

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Of Campaigns: Celestial Conversations - XXVIII

Me: Hey God!
God: Hello.
Me: So how did the elections go? Did You win?
God: Don't even ask!
Me: Why, what happened?
God: They disqualified Me!
Me: What?
God: Yes. For demanding votes in the name of religion!
Me: Oh.
God: I told them I was demanding votes in the name of Me. But they didn't listen!
Me: Maybe You should have joined some party. You could have demanded votes in the name of anything then.
God: I tried that. But they all rejected My application.
Me: How come?
God: They said I was too old. My joining would increase the average age of party members.
Me: Ah. So what have You been doing since then?
God: I've been trying to arrange miracles. You know. Build support at the grass-root level.
Me: I thought You said You couldn't do that kind of thing because of the laws of physics.
God: True, but there was no harm in trying.
Me: What sort of miracles?
God: I've been trying to make it rain fish, or at least tadpoles.
Me: Where did You try this?
God: In South India. The fishermen have been having trouble because of all the military presence. But the stupid miracle didn't work.
Me: Was the miracle supposed to be limited to a specific place?
God: Yes, but now that you mention it, I've never been good with geography.
Me: So it could have rained fish in, say, Japan?
God: Possible. But how does that matter?
God: Oh, nothing. Just curious. Anyway, All The Best.
God: Thanks. Bye, then.
Me: Bye.

Next: Of Online Identities: Celestial Conversations - #30

Mom: Hi, Son.
Son: Hey Mom, Hey Dad.
Dad: Son, we wanted to talk to you about something.
Son: Sure, Dad.
Dad: You turn 21 tomorrow.
Son: Yes! My friends and I have a great day planned.
Dad: That's great. See, we thought this is a good opportunity to tell you the truth about something.
Son: Oh, okay. What is it?
Dad: You know how we told you that you were adopted?
Son: Yes, of course. I'm really glad that you let me know right from the beginning. It could have been quite stressful if I'd found out late."
Dad: Yes, it's about that -
Son: What, you know who my biological parents are?
Dad: Actually, the thing is, when we told you that you were adopted, we weren't telling the complete truth.
Son: What? I don't understand.
Mom: See, you're not really adopted.
Son: What? I don't get it. Why are you saying this?
Dad: We thought you're old enough to understand now.
Son: No, I mean... I don't understand. How can I not be adopted?
Dad: That's easy, son. Your mom really is your biological mother.
Son: No! I mean... If I was not adopted, then why would you tell me I was?
Dad: Oh, your mother always wanted to adopt.
Son: Hunh?
Mom: Yes, we had even got in touch with an adoption agency. And then we found out that I was pregnant.
Son: But...
Mom: It was a tough time for us, son. So we decided to pretend that we'd adopted you. And suddenly everything was perfect.
Son: Perfect?
Dad: Yes. And now that you're old enough, we thought it was important that you know the truth.
Son: I'm really not adopted?
Dad: No, son. You're not.
Son: But...
Mom: It's okay, son. We love you just the same.
Son: But this doesn't make any sense!
Dad: It's really very simple, Son. We are really your biological parents.
Son: But -
Dad: Now enough chit-chat. You've got a busy day tomorrow. So get into bed and get a good night's sleep. Good night.
Mom: Good night, dear. We love you.

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Gender Questions: Celestial Conversations - XXVII

Me: Hello?
God: Hello.
Me: Hi God! How have You been doing?
God: Fine, I guess. Been a little busy lately. Lots of things going on.
Me: Like what?
God: Well, for one thing, there was this Pink Underwear Campaign recently.
Me: What, You helped organize it?!
God: Oh, no! Not at all. But some of Us in Heaven contributed.
Me: Wow, like who?
God: Oh, Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, Gandhi, St Peter, Aishwarya Rai...
Me: Aishwarya Rai? But she's not dead yet!
God: Oh, she was just visiting.
Me: So she knows about You?
God: Of course not. We pretended to be an old age home.
Me: But didn't she recognize anyone?
God: Not really. She thought we were having a fancy dress party.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes.
Me: So, she and the others contributed pink underwear to the campaign?
God: Pink and other colors. Gandhi contributed two in fluorescent green.
Me: Fluorescent green?
God: Yes. He got them in the '90s. But the biggest contribution was from Florence Nightingale.
Me: Really?
God: Yes. Forty three thousand eight hundred and seventy nine pairs of underwear in all shades of pink, and *a-hem* all kinds of styles. It was like a museum of lingerie in the twentieth century. The sight was enough to make even Me blush.
Me: Where'd she get so many?
God: They were all her own. She gave up doing her laundry when she died. She just gets new ones every time. And she hates throwing anything away.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. It took days to get the stuff packed, and putting the stamps on was a torture. After it was all over, the girls went out and got drunk at a local pub, and the guys stayed in and played Monopoly.
Me: Right.
God: But the thing that's been keeping Me busiest recently is the elections.
Me: The elections? Are You in India now?
God: Yes. I thought I'd try to get elected.
Me: You're getting into politics?!
God: Yes. The competition are all corrupt. I think I have a good chance.
Me: Well, all the best!
God: Thanks. I'll sign off now. I need to work on my manifesto.
Me: Bye then.
God: Bye.

Next: Miracles and Failure: Celestial Conversations - XXIX

The Pink Chaddi Campaign is probably the most amazing use of humour (and love, supposedly) that I have ever seen. The Alternative Law Forum, under the guise of the "Consortium of Pubgoing, Loose and Forward Women", have come up with the unique idea of sending thousands of 'pink chaddis' (though they later clarified that they no longer 'colour-discriminate') to Pramod Muthalik, the infamous perpetrator of supposedly Indian culture-prescribed violence against women in a pub in Mangalore. The one statement from the man that really stood out for me was

If they had to oppose something, they could have talked it out with us.

Apparently, he thinks indulging in violence is acceptable, but in a non-violent campaign is not.

In any case, the support for the campaign has been so great that they collected more than 19,000 'chaddis' within a week, and started requesting people to send their packages directly.

I think with a little more organization and some sponsorship (like maybe from Kohinoor, Archies/Hallmark and VIP/Jockey), this could become the standard response to any party or group that indulges in activities that "don't reflect Indian culture".

What say?

He walks like a king through his house. He is master of his domain. He can eat what he wants, drink what he wants, and he can turn on the television and watch whatever he wants. He smiles to himself.

"By the power of Grayskull!" he shouts. "I... Have... The Power!"

He hears the car in the driveway. His wife is back from shopping. He sighs.

It was nice while it lasted.

We may be called the stronger sex, but really, if there is anything a man is scared of, it's his woman. And if he's not, then he's just ignorant. I'm not kidding.

Men don't understand women. Men don't understand what women want. And men can't live without women. It's a recipe for disaster, I tell you.

And to ensure that men continue to fear women till the end of eternity, there is this annual ritual they've come up with. It's the most evil of all rituals, and has its origins in medieval times.

It's called Valentine's day.

You're laughing.

Tell me, irrespective of whether he's single or not, which man has it easy on Valentine's day?

On Valentine's day, a single guy has to tell some girl that he's interested in her. If he doesn't, then he will be pitied. And the male ego doesn't deal very well with pity. If he does decide to make his feelings known, his fear is that she will say "No". Which is what usually happens, of course. However there is sometimes the unfortunate case where the girl says "Yes".

If a guy is not single on Valentine's day, though, then he's in really big trouble, because he has to do something on the special day.

For two weeks before the fourteenth of February every year, the media is full of advertisements for Valentine's Special gifts and experiences. A guy may decide that he's not going to give in to the intense commercialization of the day, and he's not actually going to get her anything. If you know such a man, pray for him.

If he does decide to get something though, he has to figure out what to get her.
If he gets her a bouquet of roses, she's angry because that woman at work whom she hates, got two from her boyfriend.
If he gets her a box of chocolates, he's in trouble, because her friend got chocolates and flowers.
If he gets her chocolates and flowers, he's cheap, because a girl she knows also got a watch. And a stuffed toy.
If he gets her multiple gifts, he doesn't really love her, because he can't take the time to take her out.
If he takes her out to a restaurant, he should have taken her out to a restaurant in a five-star hotel.
If he takes her out to a restaurant in a five-star hotel, he should have taken her to a resort outside city limits.
To actually survive Valentine's day, the guy must pick his woman up from work, fly her to Europe, have dinner on the beach with a live band playing, and give her a diamond ring.

But then the guy is done for. Because next year, he'll have to top even that. And unless flights to the moon are available, he'll hear the words "You've changed."

Kusum Rohra has sifted through and collected around fifty of the funniest posts in the blogosphere in the second edition of the annual Loony Mela. So do head to her blog and check them out.

Yes, it will probably take a while to read all of them. Just imagine how much time must have gone into the selection process!

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Merry Christmas: Celestial Conversations - XXVI

Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: You busy?
God: No, I'm relaxing today. Just finished painting my nails.
Me: Painting your nails?
God: Yes. Why, is there a problem?
Me: Not really, but polishing nails just seems like a girly thing to do.
God: So?
Me: You're a guy!
God: Whatever gave you that idea?
Me: What?
God: I'm one hundred percent female.
Me: Really?
God: Why is that coming as a surprise?
Me: Well, most major religions believe You are male.
God: Is that true?
Me: I'm pretty sure it is.
God: Well that will just not do! Why should religions make any guesses about my gender at all? I'm going to see if something can be done about this.

[God has logged out]

Grievance room in Heaven:
Little Girl: God?
God: Yes?
Little Girl: Most major religions think I'm male! (starts crying)
God: What? Whatever gave you that idea?
Little Girl: A man told me while I was chatting on the internet.
God: Were you logged in as Me again?
Little Girl: (nods between sobs)
God: (thinking to himself) Why don't people get their own logins? (to the girl) That's okay. I'm sure the man didn't know what he was talking about.

Next: Of Campaigns: Celestial Conversations - XXVIII

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Till Debt Do Us Part: Celestial Conversations - XXV

God: Hello?
Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: It's been so long since we chatted!
God: Yes, I've been busy.
Me: Busy?
God: Yes, I've been doing two jobs.
Me: Two jobs?
God: Yes. Luci went on a long vacation and asked Me to take care of stuff at Hell while he was away.
Me: Oh. Until when do you have to do this?
God: Until Hell freezes over.
Me: What?! But that's never going to happen!
God: Of course it is. It'll only be another couple of weeks at the most.
Me: Really?
God: Yes. Luci hasn't paid the heating bills in years.
Me: Oh. Well how has it been, doing two jobs?
God: Oh being in charge of Hell is no big deal. All the chaps there are pretty well-behaved. It's the commute that's killing me.
Me: Really? How far do you need to travel?
God: Half around the world, at one time. Then I decided to move Heaven to Texas.
Me: Oh. Where's Hell?
God: Manhattan.
Me: What?! How can The Devil afford the rent?
God: Simple. He doesn't pay the rent. As The Devil, he can get away with it.
Me: Right. So what did you do for Christmas?
God: Oh, We gave Jesus a surprise party.
Me: Really?
God: Yeah. The guys over in Hell came up with the idea.
Me: Where was the party?
God: Hell's Kitchen.
Me: Makes sense. But you do know that Jesus wasn't actually born on Christmas day, don't you?
God: He wasn't?
Me: No. No one actually remembers when Jesus was really born. Some people think He was born in the summer.
God: Oh. Well, would you mind not mentioning that to him?
Me: Okay. But why?
God: Would you be thrilled to know that no one in the world could remember your birthday?
Me: I guess not. Well Merry Christmas to You, in any case.
God: Yes. And a Happy New Year.

Next: Gender Questions: Celestial Conversations - XXVII

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: So Close, Yet So Far

(Episode 6. This is the final episode in a series about a couple that get married without the benefit of sex education. The nature of the series causes it to be a little explicit, even if this particular episode isn't, so if you're easily offended, you might want to read something else.)

Two months later, at a hospital.
"So, what did the doctor say?"
"I'm pregnant."
"What?!"
"Yes."
"Oh."

(silence)

"So we really have been doing it right."
"Apparently."
"Hmmm."
"You know that friend of yours?"
"The one I finally asked what goes where, you mean?"
"Yes."
"What about him?"
"Could you beat him up for me?"
"But why?! He helped! We should be thanking him!"
"I don't think so. If he really wanted to help, he would have told us about contraception."

Since this is World AIDS Day, here's some important information. So protect yourself, will you?

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Fourth Night

(Episode 5. Read the previous episodes if you want to know what this is about. And be warned that it may not be suitable for children.)

"Listen. You have something that corresponds to this, right?"
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"I do, but..."
"But?"
"It can't be that!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, it's too small!"
"Oh."
"Yes. That would be impossible. I know at least that much about my body."
"Ok."

Next: Inexperienced: Two Months Later

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Third Night

(Episode 4. You're still here, so I'll assume you don't need the "you could be offended" warning.)

"You're going to love me for this."
"I'm supposed to love you no matter what you do. That's what it's about, remember?"
"Well, you're going to love me even more, then."
(tries to look behind him, and suddenly smiles) "Diamonds!"
"Diamonds? No, no. I got a movie!"
"I'm supposed to love you for getting a movie?"
"No, you don't get it! It's an adult movie!"
"An adult movie?"
"Stupid, so we can figure out how to... you know!"
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"Which movie is it?"
"Basic Instinct. I've heard a lot about it, but never had the guts to get it, before."
"Great! Well then what are you waiting for? Put it on!"

(a few minutes later)

"Do you actually want to watch the whole movie?"
"Not really. Well not tonight, at least."
"Then why don't we fast-forward until the... um... good bits come on?"
"Good idea."

(waiting impatiently)

"I can't believe it. We'll finally figure it out tonight!"
(both look at each other and grin)

(more waiting)

"Hey stop, stop, stop! He's kissing her! Rewind, rewind! Stop, stop, stop! You did too much! It's ok. We can wait for a minute or so."
(both grin again)

"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I don't think so. I think Sharon Stone is supposed to be blonde. I think there are two women in the movie."
"Two women?"
"Yeah. Lucky guy."
"What?"
"Oh nothing, nothing. I meant... I meant... See he's kissing her!"
"Yes!"
"He's pushing her against the wall. Why is he doing that?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's... What happened? Is it over?"
"I don't know. Maybe the... the interesting part is with Sharon Stone."
"Oh. Ok."

(more waiting)

"Hey, they seem to be dancing. Let's watch this part."
"Ok."
"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I think so."
"Ok. And that other girl?"
"No idea."
"Sharon Stone looks good, doesn't she?"
"Yes. Quite."

(pause)

"But not as good as you!"
"You learn fast."

"Hey see they're suddenly in the bedroom!"
"Finally... What? What happened? It's over?"

(both stare at screen)

"You know..."
"Yes?"
"I think this DVD is the censored version."
"You mean..."
"Yes."
"So..."

(silence)

"You know, years later when we look back, this is going to seem funny."
"If we ever figure it out, that is."
"Hmm."

"I'm going to give our kids sex education at the age of ten."
"Ten! Anyway. At this rate we'll probably end up having to adopt."
"Maybe they'll learn about it from their friends and tell us."
"True. Let's adopt an older kid, so that we don't have to wait too long."

Next: So Close, Yet So Far

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Second Night

(Episode 3 of a really tragic story. Read the previous posts in the series for context. The posts are beginning to get somewhat explicit, so if you're easily offended, consider yourself warned.)

"Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said what I said."
"No, I was equally at fault. This is so frustrating."
"Yes, it definitely is. My friends have been congratulating and teasing me all this time. So I can't even ask them."
"Same here."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know."
"Well, see we know this goes somewhere right?"
"Yes?"
"So all we need to figure out is where, right?"
"True."
"So, let's do that."
"Okay."
"Good."
"So..."
"Yes?"
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Figure it out."
"How?"
"I don't know! It's your idea."
"Can't you try to help?"
"(sigh) I don't know. How do we begin to figure it out?"
"I don't know. Okay, let's try to analyze this."
"Okay."
"See, this needs to go somewhere, so that somewhere needs to be able to accommodate this, right?"
"Right."
"So I guess we are looking for a part of you, where this would fit."
"Right."
"So, any ideas?"
"Even less than before."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"Nothing. Until now, I thought I knew my body."
"Hmm. Do you think it, sort of, appears when needed?"
"I think you've been reading too much Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter?"
"Yeah, the fifth book."
"No idea."
"You haven't read the Harry Potter books?"
"No. I don't read much."
"What?!"
"Um, could we concentrate on the current problem?"
"Okay. But tomorrow we're going to the library and you are going to
start reading."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"No."
"We're going to die virgins, and we don't even know what that means!"
"Oh stop being so melodramatic. I'm getting tired. Can we sleep now?"
"Okay."
"Good night."
"Good night."

Next: Fourth Night

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: First Night

(Episode 2 of the plight of newlyweds lacking education. Read the previous posts in the series for context. These posts are probably R or PG-13 rated, depending on who is doing the rating.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

(pause)
(both look at each other)

"What next?"
"Um, I don't know."
"Didn't you ask someone?"
"No, of course not! Did you?"
"No, I didn't."
"Oh."

(both thoughtful)

"Well..."
"Yes?"
"See, I'm sure this goes somewhere."
"I can see that, but where?"
"I don't know."
"This is so stupid."
"Hey, I know what to do at my end. You should know how things work at yours."
"What? How dare you! That's such a horrible thing to say! You're sleeping on the
couch tonight."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because you're an insensitive boor."

Next: Third Night

Intro: Inexperienced

(This is the first episode of the story of a pair of newlyweds seriously short on sex education. So if you're easily offended, you probably don't want to read any further.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

"Okay let's do it."
"Yes, let's."
"Yes."

(silence)

"So..."
"Yes."

(more silence and staring at ceiling)

"I think we should take our clothes off."
"Right. Right. Let's do that."
"Yes, let's."

(fumble around with clothes, ending up partially undressed)

More hugging, kissing, cuddling and etc-ing.

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes, let's."

(silence)

"I think we need to undress... um... all the way."
"Er... yes, I think that too."

(more fumbling around with clothes)

(deep breaths)

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes. Let's."

(pause)

"Umm..."
"Errr..."
(both together) "You know what to do, right?"
(both grin)
(both) "Yes, of course!"
(both sigh in relief)

"Okay, good".
"Yeah, good."

"Well, then..."
"Yes."
"Um..."
"Yes?"

(pause)

"Err... Umm... Do you know where I should put this?"
"Don't you?"
"Actually no. I'm new at this."
"Damn! And they told me to let the guy do everything!"
"Sorry."
"Well, now what?"
"I don't know."
"Hmm."
"We could go back to cuddling."
"Okay."

(some more cuddling)

"I'm sleepy."
"Yeah, me too."
"Okay, good night."
"Good night."

(both) *phew*

Next: Second Night

Government Bans Coffee Shops

Reuter: After shutting down Dance bars throughout Maharashtra last year, the state government has now turned its attention to Mumbai's espresso bars. In yet another controversial decision, the state has passed a bill banning coffee shops based on the theory that they are breeding grounds for prostitution.

"Young men and women spend hours at these places," said a minister. "Are they under the impression that we don't understand what they are doing? If they want coffee, they can make it at home. What do they come to these bars for?" Another claimed that the youth of the nation "should be at home studying or praying at a temple. Such behaviour is spoiling our culture."

When asked what they would do once the ban came into effect, some coffee shop owners said they would start selling tea instead. "But what will I do?" cried BJ, owner of the internet-cafe-cum-coffee-shop BlogLand. "Most of my customers don't like tea!"

After this latest ban, observers are wondering what will be next on the government's agenda.

Well, it could happen.

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Sound of Music: Celestial Conversations - XXIV

Me: Hello?
God: Hi
Me: So how have You been? Not hiding anywhere I hope?
God: No, no. I haven't even spoke to Luci in a long time.
Me: Doesn't he hate You calling him that? After all he's the most evil being in the universe, and You call him something that sounds like a little girl's name.
God: Of course he hates it. But that only makes it more fun!
Me: Ah. Never thought of that. But how come You are taking so long to respond to each of my messages?
God: Sorry. Can't type very fast.
Me: Oh? What happened?
God: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Me: What?! How?
God: Oh, I had to write one hundred cheques.
Me: A hundred cheques? To whom? And why?
God: The bank. They wanted four years worth of post-dated-cheques. Two for every month.
Me: That's only ninety-six.
God: They thought hundred was a nice round number.
Me: But why did the bank want so many cheques?
God: For the payments for My home loan.
Me: Home loan? Why would You need to take a home loan?
God: They told Me it would help Me save tax.
Me: Who told You that?
God: Oh, some guy I met near an ATM.
Me: But You don't need to pay tax anyway!
God: I don't?
Me: Of course not! It's not like You have an income!
God: That's a good point. Why didn't you tell Me that before?
Me: I never knew You were taking a home loan!
God: That's another good point.
Me: So You bought a house?
God: House? Who says I bought a house?
Me: But You signed up for a loan, yes?
God: Yes. And?
Me: Why would You need a home loan if You're not buying a house?
God: I told you. For the tax.
Me: But the bank wouldn't give You a loan if you weren't buying a house.
God: You don't need to buy a house to get a loan.
Me: You don't?
God: No. Buying land is enough.
Me: Oh. So You bought land, then?
God: Yes.
Me: How much?
God: One square foot.
Me: What?
God: I couldn't afford any more than that.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. Real estate is quite expensive.
Me: That's definitely true. Hey, God?
God: Yes?
Me: This is the twenty-fifth episode of me chatting with You. That makes this a silver jubilee episode.
God: Twenty-fifth? I think you have it wrong. Can't have been that many.
Me: But it is. Look at the number above.
God: But in some of these episodes weren't you speaking to other people? Like My secretary, for example.
Me: It's still celestial conversations, even if it was just Your secretary.
God: But what about episodes where you only spoke to the Devil?
Me: God!
God: Yes?
Me: Just be happy for me, won't You?
God: Oh, okay.
Me: I'm waiting.
God: Umm... Congratulations?
Me: Thanks!
God: You're welcome. So how are you going to celebrate this joyous occasion?
Me: Let's not overdo it, okay?
God: Spoilsport.
Me: Hey, it's also Valentine's day!
God: You're not going to ask Me to be your valentine, now, are you?
Me: What?! Of course not!
God: Thank Me.
Me: Bye, then.
God: Bye!

Next: Merry Christmas: Celestial Conversations - XXVI

First: Beginning: The BlogLand Chronicles - 1
Previous: Republic Day: The BlogLand Chronicles - 3

Anil and I were discussing the different love songs King Kong could have sung had he only bothered to learn Hindi, when Prakash walked into BlogLand.

"Hey, Prakash!" I said. "How's the baby coming along?" Prakash's wife had given birth to their first child a couple of weeks before. Ever since then, that was the only thing he could talk about.

"Oh, don't even ask," he replied as he sat down at our table, holding his head in his hands.

"Why, what happened?" I asked, concerned. Until the last conversation, which was only a few days ago, talking about the baby was what made him happiest.

"She sleeps all day, and stays awake all night."

"Sounds like my kind of kid," I said.

But he ignored me and continued. "I've hardly slept the whole of last week! Half the night she's up and crying for no apparent reason. Then other times, she needs to be fed, or changed. We've decided to share the chores, and since Sarita does the feeding, I'm stuck with changing the diapers. Have you ever changed a baby's diapers?"

"No way!" said Anil. "And thank goodness for that!"

"Me neither," I said. "It's bad, is it?"

"Trust me," he replied, "you don't know what shit loads of something means, until you've seen the inside of a baby's nappy."

Both of us roared with laughter, and even Prakash grinned. "That was a good one, wasn't it?"

"Priceless!" said Anil, still laughing.

"Why doesn't she bottle up the milk so you can share both the chores?" I asked.

"Oh, you think I didn't try suggesting that? You see, changing diapers is one of the ways I compensate for not being able to share the pain of child birth."

"I can see that being married is a lot of fun," grinned Anil. "Shit loads of fun, to be precise!" And he started laughing again.

"So," I smiled, "the wife and kid are coming along fine, I take it?"

"Oh, wonderfully. If it hadn't been for the lack of sleep, I'd almost say this was the most fun I've ever had!"

"Can't be more fun than your honeymoon," Anil pointed out.

"True," said Prakash. "But that was a different sort of fun. And the joy of looking at that little bundle of flesh knowing she'll call you Daddy one day, is unbelievable. It's even worth changing diapers for that. Just wait till you have one of your own."

"I'm in no hurry!" Anil looked horrified.

"You're definitely a long way from even worrying about that, if you ask me," I teased. "By the way, how's your girlfriend?"

"Friend who's a girl. Not girlfriend. She's fine. We might watch a play next week. You've finally decided to stop bugging me about meeting her on the internet, have you?"

"Let's just say I'm tired of preaching to a deaf ear."

"Why can't you accept that you were being unnecessarily paranoid?"

"Being paranoid keeps you safe."

"And single!"

And he started laughing again. "Hey Mike!" he shouted at the man sitting a few tables away. "Read anything funny lately?"

Mike looked up from his book and said, "As a matter of fact, I just started Terry Pratchett's The Wee Free Men, which is quite funny. After all, it's Pratchett. But I can't say the same about the last three books I read."

"Which ones?" I asked.

"Philip Pullman's first two His Dark Materials books, and Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter."

"Are they any good?"

"Oh, they're fantastic, all three of them. I'm aching to read the last in Pullman's trilogy. He's got one fantastic imagination. But the bookstore was out of stock when I last checked. And Hawthorne takes you back to the 1600s, and compares the life in the US then, with life in 1850. You get a trip to two different time frames, in the same book."

"So the English used in the Scarlet Letter isn't giving you any trouble?" I asked. Mike had complained about that when he read The Pickwick Papers.

"Well, for one, The Scarlet Letter is much shorter. And I guess it's a little easier once you get used to it. Just like reading Shakespeare." With that he returned to his book.

"What's so difficult about reading Shakespeare?" asked Anil.

"I don't think he was referring to the condensed shorter versions you read in school when you were ten," I pointed out.

"You mean those weren't the originals?"

And we all laughed.