Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: So Close, Yet So Far

(Episode 6. This is the final episode in a series about a couple that get married without the benefit of sex education. The nature of the series causes it to be a little explicit, even if this particular episode isn't, so if you're easily offended, you might want to read something else.)

Two months later, at a hospital.
"So, what did the doctor say?"
"I'm pregnant."
"What?!"
"Yes."
"Oh."

(silence)

"So we really have been doing it right."
"Apparently."
"Hmmm."
"You know that friend of yours?"
"The one I finally asked what goes where, you mean?"
"Yes."
"What about him?"
"Could you beat him up for me?"
"But why?! He helped! We should be thanking him!"
"I don't think so. If he really wanted to help, he would have told us about contraception."

Since this is World AIDS Day, here's some important information. So protect yourself, will you?

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Fourth Night

(Episode 5. Read the previous episodes if you want to know what this is about. And be warned that it may not be suitable for children.)

"Listen. You have something that corresponds to this, right?"
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"I do, but..."
"But?"
"It can't be that!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, it's too small!"
"Oh."
"Yes. That would be impossible. I know at least that much about my body."
"Ok."

Next: Inexperienced: Two Months Later

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Third Night

(Episode 4. You're still here, so I'll assume you don't need the "you could be offended" warning.)

"You're going to love me for this."
"I'm supposed to love you no matter what you do. That's what it's about, remember?"
"Well, you're going to love me even more, then."
(tries to look behind him, and suddenly smiles) "Diamonds!"
"Diamonds? No, no. I got a movie!"
"I'm supposed to love you for getting a movie?"
"No, you don't get it! It's an adult movie!"
"An adult movie?"
"Stupid, so we can figure out how to... you know!"
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"Which movie is it?"
"Basic Instinct. I've heard a lot about it, but never had the guts to get it, before."
"Great! Well then what are you waiting for? Put it on!"

(a few minutes later)

"Do you actually want to watch the whole movie?"
"Not really. Well not tonight, at least."
"Then why don't we fast-forward until the... um... good bits come on?"
"Good idea."

(waiting impatiently)

"I can't believe it. We'll finally figure it out tonight!"
(both look at each other and grin)

(more waiting)

"Hey stop, stop, stop! He's kissing her! Rewind, rewind! Stop, stop, stop! You did too much! It's ok. We can wait for a minute or so."
(both grin again)

"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I don't think so. I think Sharon Stone is supposed to be blonde. I think there are two women in the movie."
"Two women?"
"Yeah. Lucky guy."
"What?"
"Oh nothing, nothing. I meant... I meant... See he's kissing her!"
"Yes!"
"He's pushing her against the wall. Why is he doing that?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's... What happened? Is it over?"
"I don't know. Maybe the... the interesting part is with Sharon Stone."
"Oh. Ok."

(more waiting)

"Hey, they seem to be dancing. Let's watch this part."
"Ok."
"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I think so."
"Ok. And that other girl?"
"No idea."
"Sharon Stone looks good, doesn't she?"
"Yes. Quite."

(pause)

"But not as good as you!"
"You learn fast."

"Hey see they're suddenly in the bedroom!"
"Finally... What? What happened? It's over?"

(both stare at screen)

"You know..."
"Yes?"
"I think this DVD is the censored version."
"You mean..."
"Yes."
"So..."

(silence)

"You know, years later when we look back, this is going to seem funny."
"If we ever figure it out, that is."
"Hmm."

"I'm going to give our kids sex education at the age of ten."
"Ten! Anyway. At this rate we'll probably end up having to adopt."
"Maybe they'll learn about it from their friends and tell us."
"True. Let's adopt an older kid, so that we don't have to wait too long."

Next: So Close, Yet So Far

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Second Night

(Episode 3 of a really tragic story. Read the previous posts in the series for context. The posts are beginning to get somewhat explicit, so if you're easily offended, consider yourself warned.)

"Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said what I said."
"No, I was equally at fault. This is so frustrating."
"Yes, it definitely is. My friends have been congratulating and teasing me all this time. So I can't even ask them."
"Same here."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know."
"Well, see we know this goes somewhere right?"
"Yes?"
"So all we need to figure out is where, right?"
"True."
"So, let's do that."
"Okay."
"Good."
"So..."
"Yes?"
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Figure it out."
"How?"
"I don't know! It's your idea."
"Can't you try to help?"
"(sigh) I don't know. How do we begin to figure it out?"
"I don't know. Okay, let's try to analyze this."
"Okay."
"See, this needs to go somewhere, so that somewhere needs to be able to accommodate this, right?"
"Right."
"So I guess we are looking for a part of you, where this would fit."
"Right."
"So, any ideas?"
"Even less than before."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"Nothing. Until now, I thought I knew my body."
"Hmm. Do you think it, sort of, appears when needed?"
"I think you've been reading too much Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter?"
"Yeah, the fifth book."
"No idea."
"You haven't read the Harry Potter books?"
"No. I don't read much."
"What?!"
"Um, could we concentrate on the current problem?"
"Okay. But tomorrow we're going to the library and you are going to
start reading."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"No."
"We're going to die virgins, and we don't even know what that means!"
"Oh stop being so melodramatic. I'm getting tired. Can we sleep now?"
"Okay."
"Good night."
"Good night."

Next: Fourth Night

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: First Night

(Episode 2 of the plight of newlyweds lacking education. Read the previous posts in the series for context. These posts are probably R or PG-13 rated, depending on who is doing the rating.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

(pause)
(both look at each other)

"What next?"
"Um, I don't know."
"Didn't you ask someone?"
"No, of course not! Did you?"
"No, I didn't."
"Oh."

(both thoughtful)

"Well..."
"Yes?"
"See, I'm sure this goes somewhere."
"I can see that, but where?"
"I don't know."
"This is so stupid."
"Hey, I know what to do at my end. You should know how things work at yours."
"What? How dare you! That's such a horrible thing to say! You're sleeping on the
couch tonight."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because you're an insensitive boor."

Next: Third Night

Intro: Inexperienced

(This is the first episode of the story of a pair of newlyweds seriously short on sex education. So if you're easily offended, you probably don't want to read any further.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

"Okay let's do it."
"Yes, let's."
"Yes."

(silence)

"So..."
"Yes."

(more silence and staring at ceiling)

"I think we should take our clothes off."
"Right. Right. Let's do that."
"Yes, let's."

(fumble around with clothes, ending up partially undressed)

More hugging, kissing, cuddling and etc-ing.

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes, let's."

(silence)

"I think we need to undress... um... all the way."
"Er... yes, I think that too."

(more fumbling around with clothes)

(deep breaths)

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes. Let's."

(pause)

"Umm..."
"Errr..."
(both together) "You know what to do, right?"
(both grin)
(both) "Yes, of course!"
(both sigh in relief)

"Okay, good".
"Yeah, good."

"Well, then..."
"Yes."
"Um..."
"Yes?"

(pause)

"Err... Umm... Do you know where I should put this?"
"Don't you?"
"Actually no. I'm new at this."
"Damn! And they told me to let the guy do everything!"
"Sorry."
"Well, now what?"
"I don't know."
"Hmm."
"We could go back to cuddling."
"Okay."

(some more cuddling)

"I'm sleepy."
"Yeah, me too."
"Okay, good night."
"Good night."

(both) *phew*

Next: Second Night

Those who complain about the effect of Western culture on Indian Tradition (whatever the two terms mean), tend to use incidents like the Delhi Public School MMS video in their arguments. I mean, sweet innocent school-going kids should have no business making pornographic videos of themselves, right?

The other camp, blames high teenage pregnancy rates, and the uncontrolled spread of sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS on the lack of sex-education at an early age.

In both cases, the section of society being talked about, are kids. No one seems to care much about the other section of people in India that are affected by the lack of sex-education.

Adults.

I mean even where people pay attention to them, it seems to be limited to handing out contraceptives and mumbling stuff about AIDS and family planning. Ok, it's a start. But from what I've heard, there are never any instructions about exactly what to do or how these contraceptives should be used for maximum effectiveness. Very rarely are there warnings that no form of protection is 100% effective, or stuff like the fact that condoms can burst if you don't take care to get rid of air bubbles.

It was recently brought to my notice, though, that the lack of information is worse than I thought. Apparently, there are people in their twenties in our cities, and educated people at that, who -

• Think that pregnancy is caused by kissing. (I wonder what they think The Pill does in terms of avoiding this. Give you bad breath?)
• Get pregnant because they didn't think they needed contraception, since they were only having sex during The Safe Period. (There's no such thing as a "safe period", but how many days of their honeymoon did these people waste?)
• Don't consummate their marriage for days after their wedding, not out of shyness, but because they don't know what to do!

I'm not kidding. I wish I was, of course. (I've actually heard that people sometimes spend weeks and even months without knowing what to do, but I refuse to believe that. I mean at some point, nature's going to take over.) The idea of a couple sitting on their wedding bed without knowing what it is they need to do next, is no laughing matter.

Ok, so maybe it is. In fact I think the idea is so hilarious, that I've immensely enjoyed writing about the experience about just such a couple. The story is completely fictitious of course, and is purely the result of my overactive imagination. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll be publishing it here as a series of posts over the next few days, so watch this space.

If you're one of the people I'm talking about, apologies in advance for having a laugh at your expense. I just couldn't resist.

Next: First Night