What the Devil: Celestial Conversations - #31

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Of Online Identities: Celestial Conversations - #30

Me: Hello?
Devil: Hello.
Me: You!
Devil: Yes, me. The one and only.
Me: What are you doing here? I didn't even say your name this time.
Devil: Don't you know the date today?
Me: What, the 9th of September?
Devil: The 9th day of the 9th month of the 9th year of the millennium. And it's 9'o'clock by the way.
Me: I thought that only worked with 6.
Devil: 9 is just 6 upside down.
Me: So what, you're going to be good today?
Devil: Damn, you're smart. I was hoping no one would realize this.
Me: What, you're actually being good?
Devil: Don't have much of a choice. Mathematics is one area I have no control over.
Me: Really?
Devil: Yeah. But I once hypnotized God into forgetting about the number Seven.
Me: What?
Devil: Yeah. So when he counted, eight came after six. I got Him to count His fingers, and He ended up thinking He suddenly had eleven fingers on His hands! It drove Him crazy!
Me: I'm sure it did. So what good things are you planning to do?
Devil: Well, for one, I'm going to try to get God more followers on Twitter.
Me: Ah! That would be interesting. So what is your strategy going to be?
Devil: Well, for one, we have to beat the skepticism. People don't believe He's God, so they won't follow him. That's actually my fault. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. My guys have done a LOT to get that to work. Now, for one day, I need to get around exactly those problems.
Me: So how do you fix the skepticism?
Devil: I tried getting Him a Verified Account.
Me: But isn't that manually screened? You need to convince the guys who run the site, that it actually is God's account.
Devil: Yes, I did figure that out. And yet, I had convinced the guy who was screening this case.
Me: So, what happened?
Devil: Uh, it's embarrassing. Rookie mistake, really. I tried to get him to sell me his soul to me.
Me: Ah.
Devil: You have no idea how big the urge was. And I haven't done that in years! Not with the overcrowding in hell and stuff.
Me: So, no verified account then?
Devil: Nope.
Me: Any other good deeds you intend to spectacularly fail at?
Devil: There are a couple. One is ending poverty. And the other is fixing global warming.
Me: You don't think small, do you?
Devil: Comes with the territory. You don't get known as God's greatest adversary, getting cats stuck in trees.
Me: Right.
Devil: I've done that too, of course.
Me: Cats in trees?
Devil: Yes, cats are inherently evil, so it makes it more fun. Plus, you tie up a bunch of hard-working firefighters in a futile exercise. The cat's going to jump down on its own anyway.
Me: So if you're being good today, what's God doing?
Devil: Trying to be evil.
Me: What?
Devil: Well, God's not very used to the whole Evil thing of course, so I started him off small.
Me: Like what?
Devil: I've asked him to memorize the lyrics to some songs with adult lyrics.
Me: Oh.
Devil: Don't worry. I started him easy. He'll start with Black-Eyed-Peas' "My Humps". He'll probably not even understand what they mean. Then we'll move him on to Lil Kim's "Download", before we get to the heavier stuff.
Me: Ouch.
Devil: Oh, you haven't heard the best part yet. At the end of the day, He's supposed to do a concert of the dirtiest songs in front of everyone in Heaven and Hell!
Me: That does sound evil. Poor Him.
Devil: Oh, it will be a blast.
Me: Well, I guess you have work to do.
Devil: Yes, I better get back to it.
Me: Bye, then.
Devil: Tada!

Next: Being social: Celestial Conversations - #32