Inexperienced: Fourth Night

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , , ,
Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Third Night

(Episode 4. You're still here, so I'll assume you don't need the "you could be offended" warning.)
"You're going to love me for this."
"I'm supposed to love you no matter what you do. That's what it's about, remember?"
"Well, you're going to love me even more, then."
(tries to look behind him, and suddenly smiles) "Diamonds!"
"Diamonds? No, no. I got a movie!"
"I'm supposed to love you for getting a movie?"
"No, you don't get it! It's an adult movie!"
"An adult movie?"
"Stupid, so we can figure out how to... you know!"
"Which movie is it?"
"Basic Instinct. I've heard a lot about it, but never had the guts to get it, before."
"Great! Well then what are you waiting for? Put it on!"

(a few minutes later)

"Do you actually want to watch the whole movie?"
"Not really. Well not tonight, at least."
"Then why don't we fast-forward until the... um... good bits come on?"
"Good idea."

(waiting impatiently)

"I can't believe it. We'll finally figure it out tonight!"
(both look at each other and grin)

(more waiting)

"Hey stop, stop, stop! He's kissing her! Rewind, rewind! Stop, stop, stop! You did too much! It's ok. We can wait for a minute or so."
(both grin again)

"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I don't think so. I think Sharon Stone is supposed to be blonde. I think there are two women in the movie."
"Two women?"
"Yeah. Lucky guy."
"Oh nothing, nothing. I meant... I meant... See he's kissing her!"
"He's pushing her against the wall. Why is he doing that?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's... What happened? Is it over?"
"I don't know. Maybe the... the interesting part is with Sharon Stone."
"Oh. Ok."

(more waiting)

"Hey, they seem to be dancing. Let's watch this part."
"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I think so."
"Ok. And that other girl?"
"No idea."
"Sharon Stone looks good, doesn't she?"
"Yes. Quite."


"But not as good as you!"
"You learn fast."

"Hey see they're suddenly in the bedroom!"
"Finally... What? What happened? It's over?"

(both stare at screen)

"You know..."
"I think this DVD is the censored version."
"You mean..."


"You know, years later when we look back, this is going to seem funny."
"If we ever figure it out, that is."

"I'm going to give our kids sex education at the age of ten."
"Ten! Anyway. At this rate we'll probably end up having to adopt."
"Maybe they'll learn about it from their friends and tell us."
"True. Let's adopt an older kid, so that we don't have to wait too long."

Next: So Close, Yet So Far

Inexperienced: Third Night

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , , ,
Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Second Night

(Episode 3 of a really tragic story. Read the previous posts in the series for context. The posts are beginning to get somewhat explicit, so if you're easily offended, consider yourself warned.)
"Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said what I said."
"No, I was equally at fault. This is so frustrating."
"Yes, it definitely is. My friends have been congratulating and teasing me all this time. So I can't even ask them."
"Same here."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know."
"Well, see we know this goes somewhere right?"
"So all we need to figure out is where, right?"
"So, let's do that."
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Figure it out."
"I don't know! It's your idea."
"Can't you try to help?"
"(sigh) I don't know. How do we begin to figure it out?"
"I don't know. Okay, let's try to analyze this."
"See, this needs to go somewhere, so that somewhere needs to be able to accommodate this, right?"
"So I guess we are looking for a part of you, where this would fit."
"So, any ideas?"
"Even less than before."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"Nothing. Until now, I thought I knew my body."
"Hmm. Do you think it, sort of, appears when needed?"
"I think you've been reading too much Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter?"
"Yeah, the fifth book."
"No idea."
"You haven't read the Harry Potter books?"
"No. I don't read much."
"Um, could we concentrate on the current problem?"
"Okay. But tomorrow we're going to the library and you are going to
start reading."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"We're going to die virgins, and we don't even know what that means!"
"Oh stop being so melodramatic. I'm getting tired. Can we sleep now?"
"Good night."
"Good night."

Next: Fourth Night

Inexperienced: Second Night

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , , ,
Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: First Night

(Episode 2 of the plight of newlyweds lacking education. Read the previous posts in the series for context. These posts are probably R or PG-13 rated, depending on who is doing the rating.)
Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

(both look at each other)

"What next?"
"Um, I don't know."
"Didn't you ask someone?"
"No, of course not! Did you?"
"No, I didn't."

(both thoughtful)

"See, I'm sure this goes somewhere."
"I can see that, but where?"
"I don't know."
"This is so stupid."
"Hey, I know what to do at my end. You should know how things work at yours."
"What? How dare you! That's such a horrible thing to say! You're sleeping on the
couch tonight."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because you're an insensitive boor."

Next: Third Night

Inexperienced: First Night

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , , ,
Intro: Inexperienced

(This is the first episode of the story of a pair of newlyweds seriously short on sex education. So if you're easily offended, you probably don't want to read any further.)
Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

"Okay let's do it."
"Yes, let's."



(more silence and staring at ceiling)

"I think we should take our clothes off."
"Right. Right. Let's do that."
"Yes, let's."

(fumble around with clothes, ending up partially undressed)

More hugging, kissing, cuddling and etc-ing.

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes, let's."


"I think we need to undress... um... all the way."
"Er... yes, I think that too."

(more fumbling around with clothes)

(deep breaths)

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes. Let's."


(both together) "You know what to do, right?"
(both grin)
(both) "Yes, of course!"
(both sigh in relief)

"Okay, good".
"Yeah, good."

"Well, then..."


"Err... Umm... Do you know where I should put this?"
"Don't you?"
"Actually no. I'm new at this."
"Damn! And they told me to let the guy do everything!"
"Well, now what?"
"I don't know."
"We could go back to cuddling."

(some more cuddling)

"I'm sleepy."
"Yeah, me too."
"Okay, good night."
"Good night."

(both) *phew*

Next: Second Night


on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: ,
Those who complain about the effect of Western culture on Indian Tradition (whatever the two terms mean), tend to use incidents like the Delhi Public School MMS video in their arguments. I mean, sweet innocent school-going kids should have no business making pornographic videos of themselves, right?

The other camp, blames high teenage pregnancy rates, and the uncontrolled spread of sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS on the lack of sex-education at an early age.

In both cases, the section of society being talked about, are kids. No one seems to care much about the other section of people in India that are affected by the lack of sex-education.


I mean even where people pay attention to them, it seems to be limited to handing out contraceptives and mumbling stuff about AIDS and family planning. Ok, it's a start. But from what I've heard, there are never any instructions about exactly what to do or how these contraceptives should be used for maximum effectiveness. Very rarely are there warnings that no form of protection is 100% effective, or stuff like the fact that condoms can burst if you don't take care to get rid of air bubbles.

It was recently brought to my notice, though, that the lack of information is worse than I thought. Apparently, there are people in their twenties in our cities, and educated people at that, who -
  • Think that pregnancy is caused by kissing. (I wonder what they think The Pill does in terms of avoiding this. Give you bad breath?)
  • Get pregnant because they didn't think they needed contraception, since they were only having sex during The Safe Period. (There's no such thing as a "safe period", but how many days of their honeymoon did these people waste?)
  • Don't consummate their marriage for days after their wedding, not out of shyness, but because they don't know what to do!

I'm not kidding. I wish I was, of course. (I've actually heard that people sometimes spend weeks and even months without knowing what to do, but I refuse to believe that. I mean at some point, nature's going to take over.) The idea of a couple sitting on their wedding bed without knowing what it is they need to do next, is no laughing matter.

Ok, so maybe it is. In fact I think the idea is so hilarious, that I've immensely enjoyed writing about the experience about just such a couple. The story is completely fictitious of course, and is purely the result of my overactive imagination. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll be publishing it here as a series of posts over the next few days, so watch this space.

If you're one of the people I'm talking about, apologies in advance for having a laugh at your expense. I just couldn't resist.

Next: First Night

Disaster Just Struck

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
As of this week, there is a brand new Borders bookstore on the ground floor of the building I work in. And along with a very large collection of books, they've got at least 40 shelves full of science fiction and fantasy. While they don't have every Discworld novel ever written (but then that's ok, since I do), they do have difficult to get Terry Pratchett titles like Nanny Ogg's Cookbook and Where's My Cow?.

And they've got offers like "Buy 2 books and get the 3rd free" and "20% off".

I'm so screwed.

Update: It's worse than I thought. Their SFF section is not just 40 shelves. It's 139 (yes, I counted). And that's not counting the 30 shelves filled with extra copies of the bestsellers. And the store occupies at least two floors.

I'm so so screwed.

Cinema - Censorship

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
There's a new film out called This film is not yet rated. (If you're reading this at work, you might want to be a careful before clicking on that link. The poster for the movie is a little explicit, and forms the background for the website.) The makers of the film have tried to bring out the dissatisfaction of moviemakers and movie-goers with the way the MPAA assigns ratings to movies released in the US. There's also a petition on the website that aims to fix this. Below, excerpted from the website, are the salient points of their issues with the MPAA's functioning.

  • MPAA ratings are ill-defined, subjective and inconsistently-applied. This makes them confusing for both film-goers and film-makers.
  • The rules of ratings determinations and the details of the deliberation process are secret, as are the identities of members of the Ratings Board and Appeals Board.
  • Raters have no special qualifications and receive no training. Professionals from fields such as education, media studies, sociology and psychology are not involved in the process and may even be intentionally excluded.
  • Film ratings are not applied uniformly regardless of content and viewpoint. The disparity in treatment is especially apparent with regard to films dealing with sexual orientation.
  • The NC- 17 rating deprives individual parents of their right to make choices for their own children and dramatically limits the ability of adults to see films.

The last statement refers to the fact that films with an NC-17 rating find it extremely hard to get screened in cinema theatres in the US. Many reputed stores will not stock DVDs of a film rated NC-17. This film is not yet rated was initially given an NC-17 rating by the MPAA. The filmmakers later surrendered the rating. As a result, it's now being screened at a very limited number of movie halls across the US. The filmmakers recommendations to fix these problems (as mentioned in the petition) are excerpted below.

  • Objectivity: We ask that the MPAA develop and publicize objective guidelines for rating films.
  • Transparency: We ask that the MPAA publicly identify all participants in the rating process and their qualifications, background or experience.
  • Professionalism: We ask that the rating and appeals board be comprised of qualified individuals representing a broad cross-section of views and experiences, and that they receive training in the objective criteria for rating films.
  • Fairness: We ask that the MPAA develop fair procedures for rating films and hearing appeals, which includes the right to be heard through a representative of one's choice, the right to present relevant evidence and arguments, the right to a majority vote and the right to a written decision specifying the grounds for the rating determination.
  • Personal Choice and Responsibility: We ask that the NC-17 rating be replaced with a category that describes content fairly and accurately, but does not restrict the rights of individual parents to make their own decisions about what their minor children may see or limit the ability of adults to see films.

I recommend reading the comments of people who've signed the petition to give you an idea about public opinion on this matter. A good number of parents seem to feel that the rating system is arbitrary, and reduces their capability to make good decisions about what they should allow their children to watch. There are apparently a good number of movies that are rated R when they could have been just as easily rated PG-13, and if parents allow their children to watch these, then it's hard to justify not allowing them to watch other R rated movies.

Now read this interview (link courtesy Selective Amnesia) of Sharmila Tagore (Chairperson of the Indian Censor Board). The article is about the fact that she's in favour of allowing adult scenes in movies in India, and also getting rid of the ban on airing adult content on television. However, to quote her from the article, she

"... wouldn't endorse [her predecessor's proposal to permit pornographic films in the country]. I don't think society or the Indian people are ready for it. There's a cultural difference between India and the rest of the world."

"Indian people are not ready for pornographic films". I'm trying to understand what that statement means. Maybe the local VCD/DVD library owner will know. I wish I was back in India. I'd be able to ask him.

As to the obvious comparison between censorship related issues in the US and India, I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Train Ride (55)

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , ,
He woke up. He was on the train, going home. The coach was empty, except for him. And the little girl across the aisle. She looked at him, her eyes red with tears. She looked scared. "I want to get off," she said...

He woke up. He was on the train, going home...

Motorcycle Ride (55)

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , ,
A glorious day for a motorcycle ride. Clear skies, the shining sun, cool winds, chirping birds, and flowers in bloom. "This," he thought, "is what paradise must be like." Lost in his thoughts, he didn't see the light turn red before he crossed it. A truck driver in a hurry ran him over.