First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: What the Devil: Celestial Conversations - #31

Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: So, did You have any luck on Twitter?
God: Yes, a few people finally started following me. So they are all now My prophets.
Me: That's great to hear.
God: I think it was Luci's doing. He promised people a seat in the house where a retired colonel lives.
Me: Retired colonel?
God: Yes, he said that My first 1000 followers will have a seat reserved right next to Heaven. There's only one house next to Our place. A retired colonel lives there. Grumpy old man. Not sure why people would be interested in living with him.
Me: Right. Well, Your new prophets must be happy.
God: I have no idea. They mostly won't speak to Me.
Me: Oh?
God: Yes. Instead, one guy wanted to confess to Me. What do I look like? A priest?
Me: So no one is speaking to You?
God: One guy did, but only to tell Me he thought I am a fake.
Me: So what did You do?
God: Damned him to Hell.
Me: Ah. Anyway, about Your prophets, what do You expect them to do?
God: Spread My word, of course!
Me: What word is that?
God: What do you mean by What word?
Me: I mean, if they go out and spread your word, what is it that they should be saying?
God: Whatever they want, as long as it's My word they're spreading.
Me: But You must have a message for the world.
God: What, like SMS?
Me: Not exactly.
God: I don't have a mobile phone. Do you think getting one will help?
Me: No, I don't think it will help. Unless You are interested in getting a lot of credit cards, personal loans or life insurance.
God: Life insurance? For Me?
Me: I think You need to come up with a message that You want Your prophets to spread.
God: But I don't have any message.
Me: Well, come up with one.
God: Like what?
Me: I don't know, something You want people to know.
God: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
God: So you want Me to tell My prophets to go and tell people things like "There's a sale at Reebok"?
Me: Uh, not exactly.
God: Then?
Me: I can't make up Your messages for You!
God: Why not?
Me: Because then it wouldn't be The Word of God. It would be The Word of Me!
God: Well you're the one who wants Me come up with a message in the first place.
Me: So You don't have any message for the world?
God: No.
Me: And You want Your prophets to spread what?
God: My word.
Me: Okay. I'm glad we got that cleared up.
God: Good. Now I must go and set up a Facebook account.
Me: Right. Facebook has more followers than Buddha.
God: What? I didn't even know Buddha had any followers! I asked him for help setting up a Twitter account, and he said he didn't bother with such futile activity. The liar. I'm going to kill him!
Me: I told You before, it's not that kind of follower.
God: I'm logging off. I have some business to take care of.

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Of Online Identities: Celestial Conversations - #30

Me: Hello?
Devil: Hello.
Me: You!
Devil: Yes, me. The one and only.
Me: What are you doing here? I didn't even say your name this time.
Devil: Don't you know the date today?
Me: What, the 9th of September?
Devil: The 9th day of the 9th month of the 9th year of the millennium. And it's 9'o'clock by the way.
Me: I thought that only worked with 6.
Devil: 9 is just 6 upside down.
Me: So what, you're going to be good today?
Devil: Damn, you're smart. I was hoping no one would realize this.
Me: What, you're actually being good?
Devil: Don't have much of a choice. Mathematics is one area I have no control over.
Me: Really?
Devil: Yeah. But I once hypnotized God into forgetting about the number Seven.
Me: What?
Devil: Yeah. So when he counted, eight came after six. I got Him to count His fingers, and He ended up thinking He suddenly had eleven fingers on His hands! It drove Him crazy!
Me: I'm sure it did. So what good things are you planning to do?
Devil: Well, for one, I'm going to try to get God more followers on Twitter.
Me: Ah! That would be interesting. So what is your strategy going to be?
Devil: Well, for one, we have to beat the skepticism. People don't believe He's God, so they won't follow him. That's actually my fault. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. My guys have done a LOT to get that to work. Now, for one day, I need to get around exactly those problems.
Me: So how do you fix the skepticism?
Devil: I tried getting Him a Verified Account.
Me: But isn't that manually screened? You need to convince the guys who run the site, that it actually is God's account.
Devil: Yes, I did figure that out. And yet, I had convinced the guy who was screening this case.
Me: So, what happened?
Devil: Uh, it's embarrassing. Rookie mistake, really. I tried to get him to sell me his soul to me.
Me: Ah.
Devil: You have no idea how big the urge was. And I haven't done that in years! Not with the overcrowding in hell and stuff.
Me: So, no verified account then?
Devil: Nope.
Me: Any other good deeds you intend to spectacularly fail at?
Devil: There are a couple. One is ending poverty. And the other is fixing global warming.
Me: You don't think small, do you?
Devil: Comes with the territory. You don't get known as God's greatest adversary, getting cats stuck in trees.
Me: Right.
Devil: I've done that too, of course.
Me: Cats in trees?
Devil: Yes, cats are inherently evil, so it makes it more fun. Plus, you tie up a bunch of hard-working firefighters in a futile exercise. The cat's going to jump down on its own anyway.
Me: So if you're being good today, what's God doing?
Devil: Trying to be evil.
Me: What?
Devil: Well, God's not very used to the whole Evil thing of course, so I started him off small.
Me: Like what?
Devil: I've asked him to memorize the lyrics to some songs with adult lyrics.
Me: Oh.
Devil: Don't worry. I started him easy. He'll start with Black-Eyed-Peas' "My Humps". He'll probably not even understand what they mean. Then we'll move him on to Lil Kim's "Download", before we get to the heavier stuff.
Me: Ouch.
Devil: Oh, you haven't heard the best part yet. At the end of the day, He's supposed to do a concert of the dirtiest songs in front of everyone in Heaven and Hell!
Me: That does sound evil. Poor Him.
Devil: Oh, it will be a blast.
Me: Well, I guess you have work to do.
Devil: Yes, I better get back to it.
Me: Bye, then.
Devil: Tada!

Next: Being social: Celestial Conversations - #32

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Miracles and Failure: Celestial Conversations - XXIX

Me: Hey, God.
God: Hello. You've changed the numbering scheme?
Me: Yes, I thought XXX in the title would attract the wrong kind of search traffic.
God: No traffic is bad traffic, I always say. And I am God, so I know of such things.
Me: So what are You up to?
God: Oh, I've spent the last couple of days on Twitter.
Me: Ah, how come?
God: Well, the first day was spent trying to find a username that wasn't already taken. There are a LOT of impostors there. I tried "God", "GodHimself", "TheRealGod", "IAmGod", "G_O_D", "Gawd" and a few hundred others.
Me: Yes, a lot of people like to speak on Your behalf.
God: One would think that they'd at least ask Me if I approve.
Me: Well Twitterers aren't the only ones saying things on Your behalf without Your approval, You know.
God: What do you mean?
Me: A little something called religion.
God: Oh. That.
Me: Yes. So, did you finally find a username?
God: I almost didn't. Then I had a brainwave.
Me: What?
God: I chose NotDevil.
Me: "NotDevil"? That's your username?
God: You try searching for a username with my name that's not taken. This was the best I could do.
Me: Well, ok. If You say so. But why Twitter?
God: I heard it was a great place to get followers.
Me: I'm not sure they meant that kind of follower.
God: Nonsense. What other kind of follower can there be? In any case, it doesn't work. I've been on this stupid site for a whole day, and no one is following Me.
Me: Ok.
God: I search for Myself in Twitter, and the thing is, a million people are talking to Me, thanking me, or just taking My name, but they are all ignoring me!
Me: Well, they don't really know that you're not an impostor.
God: That's true. For a while there, a couple of hundred poor women signed up as my followers, but they disappeared a little while later.
Me: Couple of hundred poor women? How do you know they were poor?
God: Their pictures proved they couldn't afford any clothes.
Me: Right. So, what have else You been doing on Twitter?
God: I've been replying to people.
Me: Replying?
God: For example, someone said "Thank God." So I replied, "You're welcome."
Me: Ah.
God: One person finally followed Me, so I made him My prophet.
Me: You did?
God: Yes, but it didn't work. He's too lazy. He's not even trying to speak to me. So I made a deal with Luci. He's going to Hell.
Me: Ah.
God: In any case, I must get back to Twitter.
Me: Why?
God: There are a number of people who keep saying I don't exist. I need to have a word with them.
Me: Right. All the best.
God: Thank you. Hey, are you on twitter?
Me: Why?
God: You should follow Me.
Me: Would you look at the time? Gotta go. Bye!

Next: What the Devil: Celestial Conversations - #31

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Of Campaigns: Celestial Conversations - XXVIII

Me: Hey God!
God: Hello.
Me: So how did the elections go? Did You win?
God: Don't even ask!
Me: Why, what happened?
God: They disqualified Me!
Me: What?
God: Yes. For demanding votes in the name of religion!
Me: Oh.
God: I told them I was demanding votes in the name of Me. But they didn't listen!
Me: Maybe You should have joined some party. You could have demanded votes in the name of anything then.
God: I tried that. But they all rejected My application.
Me: How come?
God: They said I was too old. My joining would increase the average age of party members.
Me: Ah. So what have You been doing since then?
God: I've been trying to arrange miracles. You know. Build support at the grass-root level.
Me: I thought You said You couldn't do that kind of thing because of the laws of physics.
God: True, but there was no harm in trying.
Me: What sort of miracles?
God: I've been trying to make it rain fish, or at least tadpoles.
Me: Where did You try this?
God: In South India. The fishermen have been having trouble because of all the military presence. But the stupid miracle didn't work.
Me: Was the miracle supposed to be limited to a specific place?
God: Yes, but now that you mention it, I've never been good with geography.
Me: So it could have rained fish in, say, Japan?
God: Possible. But how does that matter?
God: Oh, nothing. Just curious. Anyway, All The Best.
God: Thanks. Bye, then.
Me: Bye.

Next: Of Online Identities: Celestial Conversations - #30

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Gender Questions: Celestial Conversations - XXVII

Me: Hello?
God: Hello.
Me: Hi God! How have You been doing?
God: Fine, I guess. Been a little busy lately. Lots of things going on.
Me: Like what?
God: Well, for one thing, there was this Pink Underwear Campaign recently.
Me: What, You helped organize it?!
God: Oh, no! Not at all. But some of Us in Heaven contributed.
Me: Wow, like who?
God: Oh, Mother Teresa, Florence Nightingale, Gandhi, St Peter, Aishwarya Rai...
Me: Aishwarya Rai? But she's not dead yet!
God: Oh, she was just visiting.
Me: So she knows about You?
God: Of course not. We pretended to be an old age home.
Me: But didn't she recognize anyone?
God: Not really. She thought we were having a fancy dress party.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes.
Me: So, she and the others contributed pink underwear to the campaign?
God: Pink and other colors. Gandhi contributed two in fluorescent green.
Me: Fluorescent green?
God: Yes. He got them in the '90s. But the biggest contribution was from Florence Nightingale.
Me: Really?
God: Yes. Forty three thousand eight hundred and seventy nine pairs of underwear in all shades of pink, and *a-hem* all kinds of styles. It was like a museum of lingerie in the twentieth century. The sight was enough to make even Me blush.
Me: Where'd she get so many?
God: They were all her own. She gave up doing her laundry when she died. She just gets new ones every time. And she hates throwing anything away.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. It took days to get the stuff packed, and putting the stamps on was a torture. After it was all over, the girls went out and got drunk at a local pub, and the guys stayed in and played Monopoly.
Me: Right.
God: But the thing that's been keeping Me busiest recently is the elections.
Me: The elections? Are You in India now?
God: Yes. I thought I'd try to get elected.
Me: You're getting into politics?!
God: Yes. The competition are all corrupt. I think I have a good chance.
Me: Well, all the best!
God: Thanks. I'll sign off now. I need to work on my manifesto.
Me: Bye then.
God: Bye.

Next: Miracles and Failure: Celestial Conversations - XXIX

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Merry Christmas: Celestial Conversations - XXVI

Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: You busy?
God: No, I'm relaxing today. Just finished painting my nails.
Me: Painting your nails?
God: Yes. Why, is there a problem?
Me: Not really, but polishing nails just seems like a girly thing to do.
God: So?
Me: You're a guy!
God: Whatever gave you that idea?
Me: What?
God: I'm one hundred percent female.
Me: Really?
God: Why is that coming as a surprise?
Me: Well, most major religions believe You are male.
God: Is that true?
Me: I'm pretty sure it is.
God: Well that will just not do! Why should religions make any guesses about my gender at all? I'm going to see if something can be done about this.

[God has logged out]

Grievance room in Heaven:
Little Girl: God?
God: Yes?
Little Girl: Most major religions think I'm male! (starts crying)
God: What? Whatever gave you that idea?
Little Girl: A man told me while I was chatting on the internet.
God: Were you logged in as Me again?
Little Girl: (nods between sobs)
God: (thinking to himself) Why don't people get their own logins? (to the girl) That's okay. I'm sure the man didn't know what he was talking about.

Next: Of Campaigns: Celestial Conversations - XXVIII

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Till Debt Do Us Part: Celestial Conversations - XXV

God: Hello?
Me: Hi!
God: Hello.
Me: It's been so long since we chatted!
God: Yes, I've been busy.
Me: Busy?
God: Yes, I've been doing two jobs.
Me: Two jobs?
God: Yes. Luci went on a long vacation and asked Me to take care of stuff at Hell while he was away.
Me: Oh. Until when do you have to do this?
God: Until Hell freezes over.
Me: What?! But that's never going to happen!
God: Of course it is. It'll only be another couple of weeks at the most.
Me: Really?
God: Yes. Luci hasn't paid the heating bills in years.
Me: Oh. Well how has it been, doing two jobs?
God: Oh being in charge of Hell is no big deal. All the chaps there are pretty well-behaved. It's the commute that's killing me.
Me: Really? How far do you need to travel?
God: Half around the world, at one time. Then I decided to move Heaven to Texas.
Me: Oh. Where's Hell?
God: Manhattan.
Me: What?! How can The Devil afford the rent?
God: Simple. He doesn't pay the rent. As The Devil, he can get away with it.
Me: Right. So what did you do for Christmas?
God: Oh, We gave Jesus a surprise party.
Me: Really?
God: Yeah. The guys over in Hell came up with the idea.
Me: Where was the party?
God: Hell's Kitchen.
Me: Makes sense. But you do know that Jesus wasn't actually born on Christmas day, don't you?
God: He wasn't?
Me: No. No one actually remembers when Jesus was really born. Some people think He was born in the summer.
God: Oh. Well, would you mind not mentioning that to him?
Me: Okay. But why?
God: Would you be thrilled to know that no one in the world could remember your birthday?
Me: I guess not. Well Merry Christmas to You, in any case.
God: Yes. And a Happy New Year.

Next: Gender Questions: Celestial Conversations - XXVII

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: So Close, Yet So Far

(Episode 6. This is the final episode in a series about a couple that get married without the benefit of sex education. The nature of the series causes it to be a little explicit, even if this particular episode isn't, so if you're easily offended, you might want to read something else.)

Two months later, at a hospital.
"So, what did the doctor say?"
"I'm pregnant."
"What?!"
"Yes."
"Oh."

(silence)

"So we really have been doing it right."
"Apparently."
"Hmmm."
"You know that friend of yours?"
"The one I finally asked what goes where, you mean?"
"Yes."
"What about him?"
"Could you beat him up for me?"
"But why?! He helped! We should be thanking him!"
"I don't think so. If he really wanted to help, he would have told us about contraception."

Since this is World AIDS Day, here's some important information. So protect yourself, will you?

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Fourth Night

(Episode 5. Read the previous episodes if you want to know what this is about. And be warned that it may not be suitable for children.)

"Listen. You have something that corresponds to this, right?"
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"I do, but..."
"But?"
"It can't be that!"
"Are you sure?"
"Well, it's too small!"
"Oh."
"Yes. That would be impossible. I know at least that much about my body."
"Ok."

Next: Inexperienced: Two Months Later

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Third Night

(Episode 4. You're still here, so I'll assume you don't need the "you could be offended" warning.)

"You're going to love me for this."
"I'm supposed to love you no matter what you do. That's what it's about, remember?"
"Well, you're going to love me even more, then."
(tries to look behind him, and suddenly smiles) "Diamonds!"
"Diamonds? No, no. I got a movie!"
"I'm supposed to love you for getting a movie?"
"No, you don't get it! It's an adult movie!"
"An adult movie?"
"Stupid, so we can figure out how to... you know!"
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"Which movie is it?"
"Basic Instinct. I've heard a lot about it, but never had the guts to get it, before."
"Great! Well then what are you waiting for? Put it on!"

(a few minutes later)

"Do you actually want to watch the whole movie?"
"Not really. Well not tonight, at least."
"Then why don't we fast-forward until the... um... good bits come on?"
"Good idea."

(waiting impatiently)

"I can't believe it. We'll finally figure it out tonight!"
(both look at each other and grin)

(more waiting)

"Hey stop, stop, stop! He's kissing her! Rewind, rewind! Stop, stop, stop! You did too much! It's ok. We can wait for a minute or so."
(both grin again)

"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I don't think so. I think Sharon Stone is supposed to be blonde. I think there are two women in the movie."
"Two women?"
"Yeah. Lucky guy."
"What?"
"Oh nothing, nothing. I meant... I meant... See he's kissing her!"
"Yes!"
"He's pushing her against the wall. Why is he doing that?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's... What happened? Is it over?"
"I don't know. Maybe the... the interesting part is with Sharon Stone."
"Oh. Ok."

(more waiting)

"Hey, they seem to be dancing. Let's watch this part."
"Ok."
"So that's Sharon Stone?"
"I think so."
"Ok. And that other girl?"
"No idea."
"Sharon Stone looks good, doesn't she?"
"Yes. Quite."

(pause)

"But not as good as you!"
"You learn fast."

"Hey see they're suddenly in the bedroom!"
"Finally... What? What happened? It's over?"

(both stare at screen)

"You know..."
"Yes?"
"I think this DVD is the censored version."
"You mean..."
"Yes."
"So..."

(silence)

"You know, years later when we look back, this is going to seem funny."
"If we ever figure it out, that is."
"Hmm."

"I'm going to give our kids sex education at the age of ten."
"Ten! Anyway. At this rate we'll probably end up having to adopt."
"Maybe they'll learn about it from their friends and tell us."
"True. Let's adopt an older kid, so that we don't have to wait too long."

Next: So Close, Yet So Far

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: Second Night

(Episode 3 of a really tragic story. Read the previous posts in the series for context. The posts are beginning to get somewhat explicit, so if you're easily offended, consider yourself warned.)

"Hey, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have said what I said."
"No, I was equally at fault. This is so frustrating."
"Yes, it definitely is. My friends have been congratulating and teasing me all this time. So I can't even ask them."
"Same here."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know."
"Well, see we know this goes somewhere right?"
"Yes?"
"So all we need to figure out is where, right?"
"True."
"So, let's do that."
"Okay."
"Good."
"So..."
"Yes?"
"Go ahead."
"Go ahead what?"
"Figure it out."
"How?"
"I don't know! It's your idea."
"Can't you try to help?"
"(sigh) I don't know. How do we begin to figure it out?"
"I don't know. Okay, let's try to analyze this."
"Okay."
"See, this needs to go somewhere, so that somewhere needs to be able to accommodate this, right?"
"Right."
"So I guess we are looking for a part of you, where this would fit."
"Right."
"So, any ideas?"
"Even less than before."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"Nothing. Until now, I thought I knew my body."
"Hmm. Do you think it, sort of, appears when needed?"
"I think you've been reading too much Harry Potter."
"Harry Potter?"
"Yeah, the fifth book."
"No idea."
"You haven't read the Harry Potter books?"
"No. I don't read much."
"What?!"
"Um, could we concentrate on the current problem?"
"Okay. But tomorrow we're going to the library and you are going to
start reading."
"Can't you think of anything?"
"No."
"We're going to die virgins, and we don't even know what that means!"
"Oh stop being so melodramatic. I'm getting tired. Can we sleep now?"
"Okay."
"Good night."
"Good night."

Next: Fourth Night

Intro: Inexperienced
Previous: First Night

(Episode 2 of the plight of newlyweds lacking education. Read the previous posts in the series for context. These posts are probably R or PG-13 rated, depending on who is doing the rating.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

(pause)
(both look at each other)

"What next?"
"Um, I don't know."
"Didn't you ask someone?"
"No, of course not! Did you?"
"No, I didn't."
"Oh."

(both thoughtful)

"Well..."
"Yes?"
"See, I'm sure this goes somewhere."
"I can see that, but where?"
"I don't know."
"This is so stupid."
"Hey, I know what to do at my end. You should know how things work at yours."
"What? How dare you! That's such a horrible thing to say! You're sleeping on the
couch tonight."
"What?! Why?!"
"Because you're an insensitive boor."

Next: Third Night

Intro: Inexperienced

(This is the first episode of the story of a pair of newlyweds seriously short on sex education. So if you're easily offended, you probably don't want to read any further.)

Hug, kiss, cuddle, etc.

"Okay let's do it."
"Yes, let's."
"Yes."

(silence)

"So..."
"Yes."

(more silence and staring at ceiling)

"I think we should take our clothes off."
"Right. Right. Let's do that."
"Yes, let's."

(fumble around with clothes, ending up partially undressed)

More hugging, kissing, cuddling and etc-ing.

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes, let's."

(silence)

"I think we need to undress... um... all the way."
"Er... yes, I think that too."

(more fumbling around with clothes)

(deep breaths)

"Okay, let's do it now."
"Yes. Let's."

(pause)

"Umm..."
"Errr..."
(both together) "You know what to do, right?"
(both grin)
(both) "Yes, of course!"
(both sigh in relief)

"Okay, good".
"Yeah, good."

"Well, then..."
"Yes."
"Um..."
"Yes?"

(pause)

"Err... Umm... Do you know where I should put this?"
"Don't you?"
"Actually no. I'm new at this."
"Damn! And they told me to let the guy do everything!"
"Sorry."
"Well, now what?"
"I don't know."
"Hmm."
"We could go back to cuddling."
"Okay."

(some more cuddling)

"I'm sleepy."
"Yeah, me too."
"Okay, good night."
"Good night."

(both) *phew*

Next: Second Night

Those who complain about the effect of Western culture on Indian Tradition (whatever the two terms mean), tend to use incidents like the Delhi Public School MMS video in their arguments. I mean, sweet innocent school-going kids should have no business making pornographic videos of themselves, right?

The other camp, blames high teenage pregnancy rates, and the uncontrolled spread of sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS on the lack of sex-education at an early age.

In both cases, the section of society being talked about, are kids. No one seems to care much about the other section of people in India that are affected by the lack of sex-education.

Adults.

I mean even where people pay attention to them, it seems to be limited to handing out contraceptives and mumbling stuff about AIDS and family planning. Ok, it's a start. But from what I've heard, there are never any instructions about exactly what to do or how these contraceptives should be used for maximum effectiveness. Very rarely are there warnings that no form of protection is 100% effective, or stuff like the fact that condoms can burst if you don't take care to get rid of air bubbles.

It was recently brought to my notice, though, that the lack of information is worse than I thought. Apparently, there are people in their twenties in our cities, and educated people at that, who -

• Think that pregnancy is caused by kissing. (I wonder what they think The Pill does in terms of avoiding this. Give you bad breath?)
• Get pregnant because they didn't think they needed contraception, since they were only having sex during The Safe Period. (There's no such thing as a "safe period", but how many days of their honeymoon did these people waste?)
• Don't consummate their marriage for days after their wedding, not out of shyness, but because they don't know what to do!

I'm not kidding. I wish I was, of course. (I've actually heard that people sometimes spend weeks and even months without knowing what to do, but I refuse to believe that. I mean at some point, nature's going to take over.) The idea of a couple sitting on their wedding bed without knowing what it is they need to do next, is no laughing matter.

Ok, so maybe it is. In fact I think the idea is so hilarious, that I've immensely enjoyed writing about the experience about just such a couple. The story is completely fictitious of course, and is purely the result of my overactive imagination. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I'll be publishing it here as a series of posts over the next few days, so watch this space.

If you're one of the people I'm talking about, apologies in advance for having a laugh at your expense. I just couldn't resist.

Next: First Night

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Sound of Music: Celestial Conversations - XXIV

Me: Hello?
God: Hi
Me: So how have You been? Not hiding anywhere I hope?
God: No, no. I haven't even spoke to Luci in a long time.
Me: Doesn't he hate You calling him that? After all he's the most evil being in the universe, and You call him something that sounds like a little girl's name.
God: Of course he hates it. But that only makes it more fun!
Me: Ah. Never thought of that. But how come You are taking so long to respond to each of my messages?
God: Sorry. Can't type very fast.
Me: Oh? What happened?
God: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
Me: What?! How?
God: Oh, I had to write one hundred cheques.
Me: A hundred cheques? To whom? And why?
God: The bank. They wanted four years worth of post-dated-cheques. Two for every month.
Me: That's only ninety-six.
God: They thought hundred was a nice round number.
Me: But why did the bank want so many cheques?
God: For the payments for My home loan.
Me: Home loan? Why would You need to take a home loan?
God: They told Me it would help Me save tax.
Me: Who told You that?
God: Oh, some guy I met near an ATM.
Me: But You don't need to pay tax anyway!
God: I don't?
Me: Of course not! It's not like You have an income!
God: That's a good point. Why didn't you tell Me that before?
Me: I never knew You were taking a home loan!
God: That's another good point.
Me: So You bought a house?
God: House? Who says I bought a house?
Me: But You signed up for a loan, yes?
God: Yes. And?
Me: Why would You need a home loan if You're not buying a house?
God: I told you. For the tax.
Me: But the bank wouldn't give You a loan if you weren't buying a house.
God: You don't need to buy a house to get a loan.
Me: You don't?
God: No. Buying land is enough.
Me: Oh. So You bought land, then?
God: Yes.
Me: How much?
God: One square foot.
Me: What?
God: I couldn't afford any more than that.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. Real estate is quite expensive.
Me: That's definitely true. Hey, God?
God: Yes?
Me: This is the twenty-fifth episode of me chatting with You. That makes this a silver jubilee episode.
God: Twenty-fifth? I think you have it wrong. Can't have been that many.
Me: But it is. Look at the number above.
God: But in some of these episodes weren't you speaking to other people? Like My secretary, for example.
Me: It's still celestial conversations, even if it was just Your secretary.
God: But what about episodes where you only spoke to the Devil?
Me: God!
God: Yes?
Me: Just be happy for me, won't You?
God: Oh, okay.
Me: I'm waiting.
God: Umm... Congratulations?
Me: Thanks!
God: You're welcome. So how are you going to celebrate this joyous occasion?
Me: Let's not overdo it, okay?
God: Spoilsport.
Me: Hey, it's also Valentine's day!
God: You're not going to ask Me to be your valentine, now, are you?
Me: What?! Of course not!
God: Thank Me.
Me: Bye, then.
God: Bye!

Next: Merry Christmas: Celestial Conversations - XXVI

First: Beginning: The BlogLand Chronicles - 1
Previous: Republic Day: The BlogLand Chronicles - 3

Anil and I were discussing the different love songs King Kong could have sung had he only bothered to learn Hindi, when Prakash walked into BlogLand.

"Hey, Prakash!" I said. "How's the baby coming along?" Prakash's wife had given birth to their first child a couple of weeks before. Ever since then, that was the only thing he could talk about.

"Oh, don't even ask," he replied as he sat down at our table, holding his head in his hands.

"Why, what happened?" I asked, concerned. Until the last conversation, which was only a few days ago, talking about the baby was what made him happiest.

"She sleeps all day, and stays awake all night."

"Sounds like my kind of kid," I said.

But he ignored me and continued. "I've hardly slept the whole of last week! Half the night she's up and crying for no apparent reason. Then other times, she needs to be fed, or changed. We've decided to share the chores, and since Sarita does the feeding, I'm stuck with changing the diapers. Have you ever changed a baby's diapers?"

"No way!" said Anil. "And thank goodness for that!"

"Me neither," I said. "It's bad, is it?"

"Trust me," he replied, "you don't know what shit loads of something means, until you've seen the inside of a baby's nappy."

Both of us roared with laughter, and even Prakash grinned. "That was a good one, wasn't it?"

"Priceless!" said Anil, still laughing.

"Why doesn't she bottle up the milk so you can share both the chores?" I asked.

"Oh, you think I didn't try suggesting that? You see, changing diapers is one of the ways I compensate for not being able to share the pain of child birth."

"I can see that being married is a lot of fun," grinned Anil. "Shit loads of fun, to be precise!" And he started laughing again.

"So," I smiled, "the wife and kid are coming along fine, I take it?"

"Oh, wonderfully. If it hadn't been for the lack of sleep, I'd almost say this was the most fun I've ever had!"

"Can't be more fun than your honeymoon," Anil pointed out.

"True," said Prakash. "But that was a different sort of fun. And the joy of looking at that little bundle of flesh knowing she'll call you Daddy one day, is unbelievable. It's even worth changing diapers for that. Just wait till you have one of your own."

"I'm in no hurry!" Anil looked horrified.

"You're definitely a long way from even worrying about that, if you ask me," I teased. "By the way, how's your girlfriend?"

"Friend who's a girl. Not girlfriend. She's fine. We might watch a play next week. You've finally decided to stop bugging me about meeting her on the internet, have you?"

"Let's just say I'm tired of preaching to a deaf ear."

"Why can't you accept that you were being unnecessarily paranoid?"

"Being paranoid keeps you safe."

"And single!"

And he started laughing again. "Hey Mike!" he shouted at the man sitting a few tables away. "Read anything funny lately?"

Mike looked up from his book and said, "As a matter of fact, I just started Terry Pratchett's The Wee Free Men, which is quite funny. After all, it's Pratchett. But I can't say the same about the last three books I read."

"Which ones?" I asked.

"Philip Pullman's first two His Dark Materials books, and Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter."

"Are they any good?"

"Oh, they're fantastic, all three of them. I'm aching to read the last in Pullman's trilogy. He's got one fantastic imagination. But the bookstore was out of stock when I last checked. And Hawthorne takes you back to the 1600s, and compares the life in the US then, with life in 1850. You get a trip to two different time frames, in the same book."

"So the English used in the Scarlet Letter isn't giving you any trouble?" I asked. Mike had complained about that when he read The Pickwick Papers.

"Well, for one, The Scarlet Letter is much shorter. And I guess it's a little easier once you get used to it. Just like reading Shakespeare." With that he returned to his book.

"What's so difficult about reading Shakespeare?" asked Anil.

"I don't think he was referring to the condensed shorter versions you read in school when you were ten," I pointed out.

"You mean those weren't the originals?"

And we all laughed.

First: Beginning: The BlogLand Chronicles - 1
Previous: Going South: The BlogLand Chronicles - 2

"Hi!" said Manish as he came in to BlogLand and sat down with Anil and me.

"Hello," I replied. "And Happy People Again Day."

"What?"

"Re-Public?"

"Ouch!" he groaned. "That's the pits."

"Oh, come on," I said. "Anil didn't like it either. I thought it was a good one."

"Well, in that case, your sense of humour is probably dead," said Anil.

"Anyway," he continued. "Guess who I'm taking to see King Kong tonight."

"You have a date?" asked Manish, surprised.

"You're going out with that internet girl again?" I said.

"Why do you have a problem with her, anyway?"

"You're going out with someone you met on the internet?" Manish had a lot of catching up to do.

"Yes he is," I replied. "And I don't have a problem with her personally, but I just don't think it's safe."

"Man, you're paranoid. I'm not a five-year-old!"

"How did you meet her?" asked Manish.

"In an internet chat room," I replied for Anil.

His eyes widened as he looked at me and then at Anil. "Cool!"

"So you don't think there's anything wrong with meeting someone you know only through a chat room?" I asked.

"Of course not," he replied. "People have been making friends without meeting them for a very long time now. First there were pen-friends, then phone-friends, then email and chat friends, and now people meet through blogs and SMS. The medium may be changing, but the concept is the same. There has always been an element of risk involved, but as long as you take the usual precautions, it's no big deal."

Anil smiled. "Okay, you win," I sighed. "Hope you enjoy your evening."

"How come you're taking her to an action movie, though?" asked Manish. "Shouldn't you have picked a chick-flick or something?"

"Oh, the movie was her pick. I was going to suggest Chicken Little. But once she suggested King Kong, I thought I'd keep my mouth shut."

We all laughed. That's the problem with stereotypes. Lots of men like poetry, and lots of women prefer sports. But while women are free to display masculine interests, the reverse can get a man laughed at. A man who knows how to knit a sweater will probably pretend he doesn't know how to hold a knitting needle.

"Ugh!" came a voice from the next table. Mike was slowly closing a book and putting it down on his table with a disgusted look on his face.

"Was it that bad?" Anil asked him.

"Extremely," said Mike as he turned to look at us.

"Which book?" I asked.

"One Night @ The Call Centre," he replied. "Chetan Bhagat. The guy's first book was quite readable, even if it wasn't spectacular. This one is the pits. Some parts are nice, but the rest..."

He obviously was finding it hard to put his feelings into words.

"How about that other book your were reading," said Anil. "Inscrutable Americans, I think it was?"

"Oh, that was really good," Mike said immediately. "Wonderfully written. Anurag Mathur is extremely funny most of the time, and can get quite serious too when he wants to." He turned to look at the book he had just finished reading. "But this..." He looked like he had been forced to bite a live frog.

"Well," I said. "Hope you have something better to read next. You shouldn't have to end People Again Day with something that makes you look like that."

"People what day?" said Mike. "Oh. Republic. That was pathetic."

Manish and Anil laughed. "I really think you should give it up," said Anil. "It really is a bad joke."

"Fine!" I shrugged.

Next: Baby Talk: The BlogLand Chronicles - 4

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: One of Us: Celestial Conversations - XXIII

God: Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.
Me: Hunh?
God: Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.
Me: God?
God: Yes?
Me: What are You doing?
God: Oh, I'm humming. Couldn't you tell?
Me: Well it's not like I can hear anything.
God: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were deaf.
Me: I'm not deaf.
God: But you just said you can't hear anything.
Me: I meant I couldn't hear you humming.
God: But of course I knew that. It's not like this is voice chat or anything.
Me: But... but...
God: Oh forget it. By the way, can you read music?
Me: Actually, I can.
God: Oh, good. Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting.
Me: What are you doing now?
God: Playing the piano. Guess which song this tune is from. Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting.
Me: How am I supposed to do that?
God: You just said you can read music.
Me: Yes, but I can't read that!
God: Excuses, excuses. Anyway. It's Joan Osborne's What if God was one of us.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes, Lucifer played the song for me, and made Me believe people knew I was living right here on earth.
Me: So how did you find out he was lying?
God: Oh, he told Me, of course. He always does in the end.
Me: Oh, I didn't expect that. Considering he's the Devil, I must say it was pretty nice of him.
God: Don't say that in front of him. He'll probably burst into tears. I think he's been getting a little soft.
Me: You do?
God: Yes. He delegates most of his work these days. No more stalking the world to grow the kingdom of Hell. No more promising people riches for their souls.
Me: Yes, he was telling me. He said most people weren't truly evil, and you can't really change that.
God: Oh, he's just making excuses. He isn't really looking for truly evil people. What he really wants to do is buy as many souls as he can, just like he's been doing for millennia.
Me: Oh. But then doesn't he have a real estate problem to deal with? And I thought there were only around two hundred people in Hell anyway.
God: Oh, Luci's too smart for that. He buys the souls, but charges them rent if they want to live on the premises. The two hundred odd souls in Hell are on a scholarship program. You see, souls can't earn any money. So the rest have no option but to stay on Earth.
Me: Oh, that story.
God: Yes. But anyway. The truth is he can't afford to buy souls anymore.
Me: Can't afford to?
God: Yes. He lost a lot of money when the dot-com bubble burst.
Me: Oh. He invests in stocks does he?
God: Of course. Well, he used to, at least. Where do you think his unending piles of money came from? But he's too scared after the last crash. And extremely poor too. I only came to know a couple of months ago when Hitler told me that Luci hasn't been able to pay wages for the last few years. Though if you ask Me, I doubt if he's ever had a paying job in Hell in the first place.
Me: Why were you speaking to Hitler?
God: Oh, Hitler's the current receptionist at Hell.
Me: Hitler's a receptionist?
God: Yes. Luci believes in maintaining appearances, you see. At one time he'd hired James Earl Jones. Then he switched to Richard Roxburgh. That man learned how to really affect the evil look from Luci himself. He got picked to play Count Dracula in a movie! But after that he upped his rates, and now Luci can't afford to pay him anymore. So he's got one of his own boys to do the job. Because you always need a receptionist.
Me: If You say so.
God: Anyway. I've got to go now. I need to speak to Joan Osborne.
Me: Why?
God: I want to make sure she doesn't really know I'm here on earth.
Me: Oh. But how will You know for sure?
God: Oh, that's simple. I'll go and ask her. She won't be able to lie to Me.
Me: So You'll tell her who You are, and ask her if she believes You are on earth?
God: Yes... Oh. Good point. So you think I shouldn't meet her?
Me: I guess not.
God: Hmm. Okay. Thanks. Bye then.
Me: Bye.

Next: Till Debt Do Us Part: Celestial Conversations - XXV

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Stop! Thief! : Celestial Conversations - XXII

Me: Hello?

The Devil has logged in.

Devil: Hi!
Me: What the ...!
Devil: Oh, please continue. What were you going to say? What the Devil? What the Hell?
Me: What are you doing here?
Devil: Is there a problem? It's a free world isn't it?
Me: Where is God? I haven't spoken to Him in almost six months!
Devil: Oh, Him. He he! He's in hiding.
Me: Hiding?
Devil: Oh, yes. Ha ha! Ho ho ho! He he -
Me: Will you stop guffawing like a hyena? Why is God hiding? And where?
Devil: If I told you where, there would be no point in Him hiding, would there?
Me: But why does God need to hide?
Devil: Oh, that's my fault! He he he!
Me: Your fault? Why would God need to hide from you?
Devil: He isn't hiding from me! He's hiding from the world! Ha ha ha!
Me: And why exactly is He hiding from the world?
Devil: I told Him... he he he... I told Him... ha ha ha... I told Him that people were on to Him. That they knew that He was right here on earth living like He were a normal human being. I told Him that His cover was blown! Ho ho ho!
Me: And He believed you?
Devil: Of course He did! I gave him proof!
Me: What proof?
Devil: I made him listen to that song by Joan Osborne. What if God was one of us? That convinced him!
Me: You know, you are really...
Devil: Evil? Thank you!
Me: And why have you come here to bother me? You looking for another convert?
Devil: Oh, no no! I'm just here for some fun. And anyway, you don't convert people to evil.
Me: What about devil-worshippers?
Devil: Oh, them. Those guys are an embarrassment, really.
Me: Embarrassment? But they worship you.
Devil: Oh, come on! I'm not looking for people to worship me!
Me: No?
Devil: Of course not! I only want people to be evil and do evil things. Not draw stuff on the ground and light candles!
Me: Oh. But they do a lot of bad things as part of their rituals.
Devil: Kids stuff, actually. But the worst thing is that people are actually beginning to recognize Satanism as a religion!
Me: A religion?!
Devil: Yes! Which would make me a God!
Me: Uh...
Devil: The ignominy! Me, a God! I'll never live it down! So many centuries of hard work, and what do I get? They're calling me a God!
Me: So what is it you want, then?
Devil: For people to do evil, damn it! To spread hate. To cleanse themselves of all good thoughts. To do bad things not because they thing it's the right thing to do, but in spite of knowing that it's the wrong thing to do! You have no idea how many people out there steal, lie, and commit murder and adultery, justifying it to themselves as the right course of action given the circumstances, or because they think they have no other option. And so many do all these things only out of stupidity!
Me: But it's all the same isn't it?
Devil: No, it's not! The means doesn't justify the end. You humans define Evil as actions and thoughts that are "morally bad". In my books, you're not truly evil unless your actions defy your own morals.
Me: But you don't think that these people out there committing murder are good, do you?
Devil: Of course not. There are just as few truly good people out there, as there are truly evil people. But I'm getting tired of this argument. I'd come here to enjoy myself. Not to realize how badly I'm doing my job. Goodbye.
Me: Bye.

Next: Sound of Music: Celestial Conversations - XXIV

First: Beginning: The BlogLand Chronicles - 1

"You should meet my new girlfriend," said Pankaj, as I tried to concentrate on putting my latest blog idea to words.

"Mm-hm," I responded, trying not to get distracted, and at the same time also trying my best not to seem rude.

"She's a Saudi babe," he went on.

Maybe I'm prejudiced, but the sound of those two words in the same sentence somehow didn't seem right, and as my blog idea evaporated, I turned to look at him. "A what?"

"A Saudi babe," he repeated. "You know."

I had an image in my head of Pankaj dating a woman in a black burqa but somehow the image didn't make sense. Pankaj's girlfriends tended to be women who were interested in the latest fashion trends. They looked at my three-year-old straight-fit jeans with disgust. "They're so nineties," one had said. "They're so out of fashion, if you hold on to them a little longer they'll probably come back." That was good advice. Jeans don't come cheap.

"No I don't know," I said to Pankaj. I don't know why people say "You know" like that. As if saying that will make it come true!

"Man, sometimes you're so dense it's infuriating. Oh, here she comes."

"Hey honey!" he shouted in the direction of the door, and a very Indian looking girl walked in. And she was not wearing a burqa either. Instead, she was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that must have made it extremely difficult to breathe. And her name was Mohini.

As Pankaj made the introductions and headed towards the counter to get their coffees, Mohini sat down at my table. "Pankaj told me you're a blogger," she said.

"Yes, I am," I replied, wondering if she thought it was a job description. "And you're from the middle-east."

She seemed stunned. "Not at all! In fact I've never been outside India."

"Oh?" I replied, completely confused. Pankaj changed girlfriends practically every week. Was he confusing this one with someone else?

"I'm from Kerala," she said. "I've lived there most of my life."

"Like I was telling you," said Pankaj coming back with two glasses of Cold Coffee in his hands. "A total Southern chick."

She must have liked being called something that's just hatched from an egg, because they both grinned widely at that. I was wondering why Pankaj equated South-Indian women with Saudi women when I realized that he'd being pronouncing the 'th' in 'Southie' like the 'th' in 'Southern', so I just smiled.

"Mohini is a terrific singer," bragged Pankaj.

"Oh, that's nice," I smiled. In that T-shirt? Talk about breath control.

"Yes, she's performed on Radio too!"

"Oh, Pankaaaaj!" she drawled. "You're embarrassing me!"

Ugh! Why do women say things they clearly don't mean? Pankaj knew she was clearly enjoying the bragging, so he went on to talk about how she'd trained as a dancer for years and sung professionally, and won medals for gymnastics, and...

I have an uncle who claims he can sleep with his eyes open. It was very helpful in college, he's told me. I wished I could do that right then.

After what seemed like an eternity, they were done with their coffees (Mohini only had half of hers because she had to 'watch her figure', even though I thought that was Pankaj's job) and the two of them left.

I thought I'd finally be able to get some blogging done when my friend Anil walked in with a girl who must have been his "internet date". She was extremely beautiful and Anil was looking triumphant. If she didn't end up robbing him by the end of the week, he was going to make me eat every single word I had ever uttered against the idea of looking for women in internet chat-rooms.

Luckily for me, he didn't bring her over to my table to brag. I watched them as he pulled out her chair for her, trying to be the perfect gentleman. Relieved, I returned to writing my latest blog post, and reading a dozen others.

After around an hour, Anil sat down at my table. I looked up and noticed that the girl seemed to have left. Anil was grinning ear to ear.

"So?" he asked.

"She looked quite beautiful," I said honestly.

"See?" he beamed. "I told you that you were wrong!"

"Fine," I replied. "So she's probably not a truck driver. But you still don't know anything about her."

"You're such a pessimist!" he laughed. "Don't worry. I'm in no danger of being murdered in the near future. Or being robbed, either. I'm not giving her my address until I have some more background. I'm not stupid, you know."

I was quite surprised. I'd expected Anil to have proposed marriage on the first date. He usually came across as quite a desperate character. I realized it was probably all just an act.

When I didn't say anything, he smiled. "Ah, you don't know."

I smiled too. "I must say that I seem to have misjudged you."

"Yes, you did," he said. Turning to look at Mike the book-lover, Anil shouted, "Mike, my man!"

"Do you have to shout?" muttered Mike who was sitting only one table away.

Anil grinned. "New book, I see? So you finally finished that Pickwick book?"

"The Pickwick Papers. Yes. Finally finished it last night." It had been the first instance we'd known, of Mike taking a week to finish a book.

"And what's that you're reading now?"

"Anurag Mathur's Inscrutable Americans," Mike replied. "I realized that I'd never gotten around to reading it."

"Tell me how you like it when you're done."

"Why?" said Mike. "Don't tell me you actually plan to read the book!"

"No way!" said Anil. "I just want to sound intelligent the next time someone talks about Indian authors!"

I sighed with relief. Now that was the Anil I knew.

Next: Republic Day: The BlogLand Chronicles - 3