Previous: Stop! Thief! : Celestial Conversations - XXII
The Devil has logged in.
Me: What the ...!
Devil: Oh, please continue. What were you going to say? What the Devil? What the Hell?
Me: What are you doing here?
Devil: Is there a problem? It's a free world isn't it?
Me: Where is God? I haven't spoken to Him in almost six months!
Devil: Oh, Him. He he! He's in hiding.
Devil: Oh, yes. Ha ha! Ho ho ho! He he -
Me: Will you stop guffawing like a hyena? Why is God hiding? And where?
Devil: If I told you where, there would be no point in Him hiding, would there?
Me: But why does God need to hide?
Devil: Oh, that's my fault! He he he!
Me: Your fault? Why would God need to hide from you?
Devil: He isn't hiding from me! He's hiding from the world! Ha ha ha!
Me: And why exactly is He hiding from the world?
Devil: I told Him... he he he... I told Him... ha ha ha... I told Him that people were on to Him. That they knew that He was right here on earth living like He were a normal human being. I told Him that His cover was blown! Ho ho ho!
Me: And He believed you?
Devil: Of course He did! I gave him proof!
Me: What proof?
Devil: I made him listen to that song by Joan Osborne. What if God was one of us? That convinced him!
Me: You know, you are really...
Devil: Evil? Thank you!
Me: And why have you come here to bother me? You looking for another convert?
Devil: Oh, no no! I'm just here for some fun. And anyway, you don't convert people to evil.
Me: What about devil-worshippers?
Devil: Oh, them. Those guys are an embarrassment, really.
Me: Embarrassment? But they worship you.
Devil: Oh, come on! I'm not looking for people to worship me!
Devil: Of course not! I only want people to be evil and do evil things. Not draw stuff on the ground and light candles!
Me: Oh. But they do a lot of bad things as part of their rituals.
Devil: Kids stuff, actually. But the worst thing is that people are actually beginning to recognize Satanism as a religion!
Me: A religion?!
Devil: Yes! Which would make me a God!
Devil: The ignominy! Me, a God! I'll never live it down! So many centuries of hard work, and what do I get? They're calling me a God!
Me: So what is it you want, then?
Devil: For people to do evil, damn it! To spread hate. To cleanse themselves of all good thoughts. To do bad things not because they thing it's the right thing to do, but in spite of knowing that it's the wrong thing to do! You have no idea how many people out there steal, lie, and commit murder and adultery, justifying it to themselves as the right course of action given the circumstances, or because they think they have no other option. And so many do all these things only out of stupidity!
Me: But it's all the same isn't it?
Devil: No, it's not! The means doesn't justify the end. You humans define Evil as actions and thoughts that are "morally bad". In my books, you're not truly evil unless your actions defy your own morals.
Me: But you don't think that these people out there committing murder are good, do you?
Devil: Of course not. There are just as few truly good people out there, as there are truly evil people. But I'm getting tired of this argument. I'd come here to enjoy myself. Not to realize how badly I'm doing my job. Goodbye.
Next: Sound of Music: Celestial Conversations - XXIV