Sound of Music: Celestial Conversations - XXIV

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: One of Us: Celestial Conversations - XXIII

God: Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.
Me: Hunh?
God: Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.
Me: God?
God: Yes?
Me: What are You doing?
God: Oh, I'm humming. Couldn't you tell?
Me: Well it's not like I can hear anything.
God: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were deaf.
Me: I'm not deaf.
God: But you just said you can't hear anything.
Me: I meant I couldn't hear you humming.
God: But of course I knew that. It's not like this is voice chat or anything.
Me: But... but...
God: Oh forget it. By the way, can you read music?
Me: Actually, I can.
God: Oh, good. Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting.
Me: What are you doing now?
God: Playing the piano. Guess which song this tune is from. Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting.
Me: How am I supposed to do that?
God: You just said you can read music.
Me: Yes, but I can't read that!
God: Excuses, excuses. Anyway. It's Joan Osborne's What if God was one of us.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes, Lucifer played the song for me, and made Me believe people knew I was living right here on earth.
Me: So how did you find out he was lying?
God: Oh, he told Me, of course. He always does in the end.
Me: Oh, I didn't expect that. Considering he's the Devil, I must say it was pretty nice of him.
God: Don't say that in front of him. He'll probably burst into tears. I think he's been getting a little soft.
Me: You do?
God: Yes. He delegates most of his work these days. No more stalking the world to grow the kingdom of Hell. No more promising people riches for their souls.
Me: Yes, he was telling me. He said most people weren't truly evil, and you can't really change that.
God: Oh, he's just making excuses. He isn't really looking for truly evil people. What he really wants to do is buy as many souls as he can, just like he's been doing for millennia.
Me: Oh. But then doesn't he have a real estate problem to deal with? And I thought there were only around two hundred people in Hell anyway.
God: Oh, Luci's too smart for that. He buys the souls, but charges them rent if they want to live on the premises. The two hundred odd souls in Hell are on a scholarship program. You see, souls can't earn any money. So the rest have no option but to stay on Earth.
Me: Oh, that story.
God: Yes. But anyway. The truth is he can't afford to buy souls anymore.
Me: Can't afford to?
God: Yes. He lost a lot of money when the dot-com bubble burst.
Me: Oh. He invests in stocks does he?
God: Of course. Well, he used to, at least. Where do you think his unending piles of money came from? But he's too scared after the last crash. And extremely poor too. I only came to know a couple of months ago when Hitler told me that Luci hasn't been able to pay wages for the last few years. Though if you ask Me, I doubt if he's ever had a paying job in Hell in the first place.
Me: Why were you speaking to Hitler?
God: Oh, Hitler's the current receptionist at Hell.
Me: Hitler's a receptionist?
God: Yes. Luci believes in maintaining appearances, you see. At one time he'd hired James Earl Jones. Then he switched to Richard Roxburgh. That man learned how to really affect the evil look from Luci himself. He got picked to play Count Dracula in a movie! But after that he upped his rates, and now Luci can't afford to pay him anymore. So he's got one of his own boys to do the job. Because you always need a receptionist.
Me: If You say so.
God: Anyway. I've got to go now. I need to speak to Joan Osborne.
Me: Why?
God: I want to make sure she doesn't really know I'm here on earth.
Me: Oh. But how will You know for sure?
God: Oh, that's simple. I'll go and ask her. She won't be able to lie to Me.
Me: So You'll tell her who You are, and ask her if she believes You are on earth?
God: Yes... Oh. Good point. So you think I shouldn't meet her?
Me: I guess not.
God: Hmm. Okay. Thanks. Bye then.
Me: Bye.

Next: Till Debt Do Us Part: Celestial Conversations - XXV