Celestial Conversations - II

Previous: Celestial Conversations

Me: Hello?
God: Yes?
Me: Hello, God.
God: This is not God.
Me: What?
God: This is not God.
Me: Not God? Did Your secretary change his mind?
God: I do not have a secretary.
Me: What? Yesterday, You said Your secretary told You that You are God.
God: I have never spoken to you before.
Me: Is this a memory refresh problem or something?
God: Excuse me?
Me: Who am I chatting with?
God: This is the secretary of God.
Me: Well then why didn't you say so before?
God: You never asked.
Me: (long pause) What are you doing logged in as God?
God: God is on a break.
Me: On a break?
God: Yes. Is there a problem?
Me: How can God take a break?
God: The details of God's bio-breaks are considered celestially confidential information under the celestial information security policy.
Me: What?
God: It means that I have no intention of answering your question.
Me: Well, then, where is God?
God: Everywhere.
Me: What?
God: God is Omnipresent. He is everywhere.
Me: No, I mean where is He right now?
God: Everywhere.
Me: (sigh) Alright, when will God be back?
God: Back from?
Me: Back from his break. Are you retarded or something?
God: I refuse to answer that question since it is loaded with intellectual discrimination. Here at Heaven we believe in the equality of all living beings irrespective of species, sex, race, sexual orientation, or speed of thought.
Me: What about religion? You didn't say anything about religion.
God: Why would we not discriminate on the grounds of religion? This is God's domain, after all.
Me: Oh? And what religion would you prefer living beings follow?
God: That information is celestially confidential.
Me: This is insane! Anyway. Where is God?
God: I told you. Everywhere.
Me: I need to speak to God.
God: To what purpose?
Me: To work out a business deal. He agreed to hire me to build a search engine for him.
God: You need to approach the outsourcing department.
Me: And how do I reach the outsourcing department?
God: Like any other way of reaching God. Pray.
Me: What?
God: Pray. If God wishes to answer you, He will. If not, then you are not worthy. Goodbye.

[God has logged off]

Me: Damn!

[God has logged back in again]

God: Shame on you! Swearing at God!

[God has logged off]

Me: But you're not even God! (sigh) What next?

Next: 1-800-CALL-GOD: Celestial Conversations - III