Soul Proprietorship: Celestial Conversations - XIII

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Population Control: Celestial Conversations - XII

Me: Hello?
SecretaryOfGod: Yes?
Me: Oh, good. I was hoping to catch you.
SecretaryOfGod: Yes?
Me: Pinky?
SecretaryOfGod: Excuse me?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just checking. You never know who you might really be chatting with.
SecretaryOfGod: I'm not sure what you mean, but I've decided to take offense to that statement.
Me: Oh, please, no. I didn't mean to cause any offence. I'm sorry.
SecretaryOfGod: Well, then get on with it.
Me: Well, it's like this. God was telling me yesterday, that only a few souls actually get into heaven or hell.
SecretaryOfGod: Of course! Can you imagine the accommodation problem if we let every soul in? Do you have any idea about the cost of real estate these days?
Me: It's pretty high apparently. I wouldn't really know, though. I don't own any property.
SecretaryOfGod: Well then this is definitely as good a time to invest as any.
Me: Oh. Rates are low, are they?
SecretaryOfGod: Low? Ha!
Me: Then why were you advising me to invest?
SecretaryOfGod: Because they're not getting any lower!
Me: Oh.
SecretaryOfGod: Now did you have something to ask me, or not? I don't have all day.
Me: Well, it's like this. If all souls don't go to either heaven or hell, then, errr... where do they go?
SecretaryOfGod: What?
Me: I mean, I believe trillions of people have lived on this planet till now.
SecretaryOfGod: Yes?
Me: So, where are they now?
SecretaryOfGod: Dead, of course!
Me: I know that! But where are their souls?
SecretaryOfGod: Oh, that. Well, that's not a straight answer. They go a number of different ways.
Me: Different ways?
SecretaryOfGod: Of course. Everyone has different ideas about what to do with the afterlife.
Me: Oh?
SecretaryOfGod: Yes. Some of them just retire.
Me: Retire?
SecretaryOfGod: That's right. Retire.
Me: And what does that mean?
SecretaryOfGod: It means that they don't want to go through the process of living anymore. Life was enough.
Me: I'll pretend I understand.
SecretaryOfGod: That's nice of you. Some of them - and these are the annoying ones - try to become poltergeists.
Me: Really?
SecretaryOfGod: Yes. Not many succeed, though. It's quite a trick learning to affect the living world even when you are dead.
Me: Oh.
SecretaryOfGod: But that tends to be only a temporary pastime. Poltergeising is pretty exhausting. A few days of activity like that can tire a soul out for a couple of million years.
Me: That long?
SecretaryOfGod: In terms of eternity, it's not that much. It's like taking an afternoon nap.
Me: Oh.
SecretaryOfGod: Then, there's the lost souls.
Me: Lost?
SecretaryOfGod: Well, it's a euphemism, really. They're not really lost. Or even if they are, they have an eternity to find themselves. No. Lost Souls are actually only pranksters. They haunt houses and roads and such like.
Me: Oh.
SecretaryOfGod: Yes. But they do it part time. Which means that they work only in shifts. The night shift is a favourite of course. The other shifts don't have much job satisfaction.
Me: Job satisfaction?
SecretaryOfGod: What do you think? If you're going to haunt a house, you might as well do it properly. Or what would be the point?
Me: Oh.
SecretaryOfGod: Some of them recycle themselves.
Me: Recycle? Oh, you mean reincarnation.
SecretaryOfGod: Reincarnation? Of course, not. A new soul is created for every new body born. Otherwise the soul-sellers would go out of business. It's a different matter that the dominating soul is not always the new one. After all, the old ones have more experience. But I was talking about recycling. They go back to the moment they were born, and reoccupy themselves.
Me: Reoccupy?
SecretaryOfGod: Yes. It's called temporal repetition.
Me: But why?
SecretaryOfGod: You know how humans always want to go back and change the past? Well, it's a soul's natural tendency to want to go and correct things in their own past.
Me: So they go back in time and changethings?
SecretaryOfGod: Of course not. Everyone knows you can't change the past.
Me: Then why do they try?
SecretaryOfGod: Just dumb I guess. Tell someone an iron is hot, and he hasto touch it to be sure. And these souls go back to live again. Can you imagine how much trouble that is?
Me: Not really.
SecretaryOfGod: Imagine needing to get potty-trained all over again.
Me: Ew!
SecretaryOfGod: Exactly.
Me: Well, you were also talking about the new soul not always being in control and something about old souls. What was that about?
SecretaryOfGod: Oh. That's related to the last and largest group of souls. Most of them try to occupy other living beings. You can't change the past, but you can definitely change the future.
Me: So there are people with more than one soul?
SecretaryOfGod: People and fish. Some even make the mistake of entering mosquitoes.
Me: Mosquitoes?
SecretaryOfGod: I know. A pretty short life. Some souls are just born dumb I guess. They end up as mosquito souls. And then there's no turning back.
Me: Ouch. That must be quite sad.
SecretaryOfGod: Well a mosquito can't really be sad. Not enough brain for emotions. So they're pretty happy most of the time.
Me: Well, how can one tell if a person has more than one soul?
SecretaryOfGod: Well practically everyone has more than one soul. Souls do a lot of sharing. There isn't much humanity to go around.
Me: Everyone?
SecretaryOfGod: Of course! Some people are occupied by billions of souls.
Me: Billions? What'd be the point of sharing a body with billions of other souls?
SecretaryOfGod: I told you. Souls are just naturally dumb. The funny thing is, that the lesser the number of souls occupying a body, the more likely that it'll get noticed. You humans call them people with multiple-personality disorders.
Me: Oh!
SecretaryOfGod: Right. People with many more personalities seem more normal. Because there's so many of them inside, that it becomes one constant hum of soulness.
Me: This is quite disturbing. And confusing.
SecretaryOfGod: That confusion? It's a sign that some of the souls in you are telling your brain to think one thing, and the rest, something else.
Me: Help!
SecretaryOfGod: Everyone needs it.
Me: I think I'm getting another one of those headaches...
SecretaryOfGod: A headache, of course...
Me: No! Don't tell me! I'm leaving.

[Me has logged off]

SecretaryOfGod: He he!

[SecretaryOfGod has changed his name to TheDevil]

TheDevil: That was fun!

Next: House-hunting: Celestial Conversations - XIV