Hello Kitty: Celestial Conversations XVIII

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
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First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Godparents : Celestial Conversations - XVII

Me: Hello?
God: Hello.
Me: So, how does it feel to have Your parents staying with You?
God: Oh, pretty nice actually. I get to eat Mom's cooking.
Me: Ah, yes. That's always nice.
God: Yes. No one can make sun-dried tomatoes quite like she can.
Me: Good, good. So, are You planning to show them around the city?
God: Oh, no. They prefer to get around by themselves.
Me: They do?
God: Yes. They're the independent sort, My parents.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes. They are in Las Vegas this week.
Me: They are?
God: Yes. Dad is in one of those Elvis impersonation groups.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. He grew sideburns one day, and joined them. Now once in a while, he puts on a suit and jumps out of an airplane.
Me: What?
God: Yes. They call themselves the Flying Elvi.
Me: Ah.
God: So I'm stuck at home vacuuming fur-balls.
Me: What?
God: Well, I made a very stupid mistake.
Me: You made a mistake? That's hard to believe.
God: I did. And it was a stupid one.
Me: So what did You do?
God: Well, Mom asked Me if I liked big cats.
Me: Okay.
God: And I told her I loved them. That they were the most elegant animals on the planet.
Me: Okay.
God: So she got Me a house cat.
Me: And?
God: I thought she was talking about the wild ones! You know, Tigers, Jaguars, Pumas...
Me: Ah.
God: And she found a fat stinking stray house cat, and gifted it to Me!
Me: Quite a disappointment, I can see.
God: You bet it was. And as if that wasn't enough, she wants to get Me another one for My birthday.
Me: You have a birthday?
God: Doesn't everyone?
Me: But You're God!
God: Why do you keep saying that?
Me: Well, aren't You?
God: Of course, I am. So?
Me: So, a birthday is the day a person is born. You weren't born!
God: That's discrimination.
Me: But You weren't!
God: I have parents.
Me: You were adopted!
God: Now you've gone and hurt my feelings.
Me: Alright, so You arranged it, but that doesn't change anything.
God: It still wasn't a nice thing to say.
Me: Fine! I'm sorry. So You have a birthday. When is it?
God: Zero A.G.
Me: What?
God: That's my birthday.
Me: 'Zero A.G.' isn't a real date.
God: It was, before they messed things up with the Gregorian Calendar.
Me: Well, what does the A.G. stand for?
God: After God.
Me: Very clever.
God: You should read the scriptures, and Trust in Me. You're too skeptical.
Me: Fine, I believe You. But that's only a birth-date. When is Your birthday?
God: Hunh?
Me: I mean when do You celebrate Your birthday?
God: It depends.
Me: On what?
God: The stellar calendar.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. Based on the relative positioning of the stars and the theory of relativity I can celebrate My birthday on practically any day.
Me: I'll pretend I understand and believe that.
God: See? Too skeptical. I'm sure you'll go to Hell.
Me: That's not a very nice thing to say.
God: Fine, then. We're even. You hurt My feelings, and now I've hurt yours.
Me: That's just childish.
God: Well by some calculations, I'm just a year old.
Me: And how did You get that?
God: Oh, simple. Since I'm God, My age is the only absolute age. So, taking My age to be the primary unit of age calculation, I'm precisely One.
Me: Ah.
God: You don't believe me?
Me: Of course I do.
God: I can prove it. There's a mathematical formula and everything.
Me: No, no. I believe You.
God: I can even prove that 1 is equal to 2.
Me: I'm sure that's true.
God: I can prove it.
Me: In God We Trust.
God: Now that's My boy!
Me: You're a good teacher.
God: Of course I am. Anyway. Have to go now. I think the cat's got Diarrhea.
Me: Ugh.
God: You can say that again.

Next: Bye, Mom! Bye Dad!!: Celestial Conversations XIX


Manish Bhatt said...

Finally, a new post after all these days. And seemingly, I am the first one to land here. Since anyone who reads it must be commenting on your blog.

Well, what can I say, you have a fan here already. And it's not even a published book yet.

Rajesh J Advani said...

Manish: He he, if everyone who read my blog commented, I'd be a veeery happy man :) My stats tell me that anywhere between 40 and 200 distinct people must have visited my blog since this post went up. And all you see is one comment :) So my estimate of "Not more than 10% of all readers comment on a blog on average" should be accurate by quite a wide margin :)

(Of course, Blogger has been playing truant. I've tried to post responses to comments on my blog, a couple of times in the past few days.)

And thanks for the words :) A friend of mine did suggest compiling these conversations into a book. And if enough people like them, Who knows? I just may! :) Do keep coming back!

The Man Who Wasnt There said...

haha! Just caught you in Orkut as well and your posts simply rock! You have an elegant way of writing..actually I also write things the "conversation" way....:)
Presumptuous though this qn might sound...what is ur theistic stand?
Btw me a fellow chennaite now in Bangalore...

Anonymous said...

hi rajesh , me here for the first time . im reading your stories at the moment must say you are very gifted . will be back soon here's my link hope to see u around

Heartcrossings said...

Like your posts.Why so sparse lately ?

hemlyn said...

Hehehe! This is almost like something out of Douglas Adams... minus the Babel fish.

*Clap clap*

And you really should compile these and publish a book.

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Hey! I'm sick to HERE of sun-dried tomatoes ... so post already!

(What happened to your duty to your adoring readership, eh?)


Rajesh J Advani said...

Girish: Thanks! Shall definitely check out your "conversational" posts :)
Theistic stand? I believe in God on a "Just-in-case" basis :) I believe in God, just in case He exists :)

Anonymous: Nice to know you like my stories :) I noticed you write some on your own blog too. Good stuff :)

Heartcrossings: Thanks, and Sorry! Been promising myself to increase my frequency for some time now. Hopefully there'll be a shorter wait till the next one :)

A-Hem: Douglas Adams! That's the kind of praise I'm sure I don't deserve :) I do hope the book thing comes true :) Thanks!

J. Alfred Prufrock: Posted! Sorry for the seemingly interminable delay. The last month has been extremely hectic. Hope things get better from now on. Do keep coming back :) I'll hope not to disappoint for long :)

thelearner said...

I've been intrigued by your God-Conversation posts, partly because I do not have the patience to read them fully and partly because I think it wouldn't make sense to me (I don't get the humour.)

While I do not criticize this series, seeing that a lot of people seem to like it, and it is perhaps my own shortcoming in not appreciating it, may I ask why this series of conversations? Is it purely an attempt in humour?

Rajesh J Advani said...

thelearner: Why? :) That is probably material for a whole new post, no?

But I disagree with you on your saying it is your shortcoming to not appreciate the series. People have different tastes. Some people like happy endings, while some prefer tragedies. Humour itself is very subjective, isn't it? Someone reading their first Wodehouse might find it hard to understand why fans consider him so funny.

On the other hand, some like David Dhawan's brain-less humour because it's so simple, while others find it crass and an insult to movie-making.

Charlie Chaplin was comedy, but so is 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' No? :)

Thanks for the question, though :) It's made me think :)