My first ever article/story published online was a collection of rants. So were a large number of posts I have published on this blog. The title of this blog itself, is a rant.

You see, my favourite activity in the world is to complain. When I was born, my first thought was - "Put me back in there! This place is cold! And it smells!"

My mother has had to bear the brunt of my complaining. When I was a kid, I used to complain about anything she cooked. Everything I ate, was too hot. Hot as in temperature, most of the time. And if it was ice cold, then it was still too hot. As in spicy. I have even claimed to find salted yoghurt too spicy. All the women who've had the misfortune to cook for me (my mom and my aunts), have at some time considered replacing the salt with rat poison. But they know I'd probably complain that the food smelt weird.

In spite of all the complaining though, I've been known to keep a cheery disposition. Most of the time, anyway. The secret to that, of course, is the complaining.

1. I enjoy it.
2. Having complained about something, I find it infinitely easier to deal with.

Of course, there is the problem of those things that you can't complain about. Things you're not allowed to complain about. Things that are too personal to tell anyone else. Things you can't share with anyone. These pent up frustrations can be quite depressing. But there's a slight solution to that too, right? Complain that you can't complain!

Yes. I'm quite crazy.

So, on this hundredth post of mine, I thought I'd compile a list of one hundred things that I have complained about at some time in my life.

In no particular order -

1. Homework.
2. Teachers who gave homework.
3. Having to learn more than one language.
4. Having to learn more than two languages.
5. Exams.
6. The fact that there are Integral equations that cannot be solved (Yes, I'm quite the math buff).
7. Engineering submissions.
8. No work.
9. Too much work.
10. Deadlines.
11. Computers with 1GB of RAM that take 25 seconds to delete a zero-byte file.
12. That there are no single women left on this planet.
13. Women who claim they are single but really aren't.
14. Children who swear more than I do.
15. Not being able to bring myself to swear as much as some of my female classmates.
16. Not being able to speak every third sentence without the F-word.
17. Having to watch clean versions of movies on Star Movies with all the interesting parts removed.
18. Global poverty.
19. Global warming.
20. Pollution.
21. Printers that don't make it easy to print on both sides of the paper.
22. Being misunderstood.
23. Cafeteria food.
24. My own cooking.
25. Missing mom's cooking.
26. That eating Chhole Bhature can give you gas.
27. Having to eat rice everyday once I moved to Chennai.
28. Chennai auto-rickshaw drivers.
29. Power-failures in the sweltering Chennai summer.
30. Waiting for the rains on a hot summer day.
31. Waiting for the sun to come out on a rainy day.
32. Potholes.
33. People playing Holi with permanent colours.
34. Women who ruffle my hair and mess it up minutes after I finally got it looking presentable.
35. Women who say I'm "So Sweet!".
36. That all women are different.
37. That all women are the same.
38. Being called "Uncle" when I was seventeen.
39. Being the only person my age at a party.
40. Attending a friend's wedding to find that they're the only people I know.
41. Having to rice with my hands at a South-Indian wedding because a spoon would damage the banana leaf.
42. Being given a spoon at the next South-Indian wedding even though I didn't ask for it.
43. Plagiarism.
44. Writer's block.
45. People who write emails and blogs as if they were writing an SMS.
46. HTML mail.
47. Browsers that don't support web standards (read as IE).
48. Inequality of the sexes.
49. Men who beat their wives.
50. Child-molestation.
51. Rape.
52. Suicide.
53. Murder.
54. Terrorism.
55. Communalism.
56. Sexism.
57. Racism.
58. Casteism.
59. Hate.
60. Cities where people lack civic sense.
61. Cars that cost too much.
62. Rising petrol prices.
63. Restaurants in the US that give you ice in your water when the temperature outside is -5°F (~ -20°C).
64. Sugar in lime-juice (Yes, like I mentioned before, I've got very specific tastes).
65. People who don't follow the instructions on the back of the box when cooking Knorr instant soups even if it turns out more tasty than when I tried.
66. Having to watch that growing dust-gathering pile of washed clothes on my roommate's bed, because he was too lazy to put them in the closet.
67. Years later, watching a growing dust-gathering pile of washed clothes on my own bed, because I do not have the time (I'll fold them today, I promise).
68. The fact that Lime'n'Spoon is not a national sport.
69. Knowing that we probably won't learn if there is any other intelligent life in the universe, in my lifetime.
70. The fact that I picked up my first Isaac Asimov book only after Asimov died.
71. Not being able to lay my hands on a single unused copy of Asimov's Empire novels.
72. That Douglas Adams never finished writing his last book.
73. Talkative fellow passengers on an eight-hour flight when you are in no mood to socialize.
74. Fellow passengers who keep to themselves on a nine-hour flight when you are extremely bored.
75. Rude flight-stewardesses.
76. Airline food.
77. Mini pretzels.
78. Juice shops that add water to their milk-shakes.
79. Needing to have malaria to get time off from work.
80. The fact that almost all my friends are getting engaged or married by the end of this year.
81. People who buy movie tickets in black.
82. Friends making me watch a movie with tickets bought in black.
83. Hard and extremely sharp grass in the company lawn that was planted to make sure the employees do NOT sit on it.
84. Reading a suspense story through to the end, only to find the last page missing.
85. People who give away the plot of a book before you start reading it.
86. Finding out who the killer was in the movie "Kaun" before I saw the movie.
87. That most movie/book reviews have spoilers.
88. That no word rhymes with "Orange".
89. Missing a large number of movies I wanted to watch because I didn't have company.
90. Reaching the US when a movie I wanted to watch is no longer running in movie halls.
91. Returning back to India to find that the movie is no longer running in movie halls there either.
92. That it's extremely difficult to get company to watch a show on Broadway.
93. That my cellular provider won't switch me to a post-paid plan without changing my number.
94. Spam.
95. Having to throw away food because we couldn't eat it all before it went bad.
96. People who don't cover their mouth and nose when they sneeze or cough.
97. People who put the wrong thing in the wrong shelf (No, the plates do NOT go in the same shelf as the pressure cooker!).
98. People who don't try to clean up the mess right after they spill something.
99. Roommates who use your blanket without asking if they can.
100. That when it comes to things to complain about, one hundred is too small a number.

There! I feel better now.

No. It's not this blog's birthday.

First of all, I prefer the term blog-anniversary. So if anything, it is one day past the first anniversary of this blog. Not a blog birthday. Not a blog anniversary. Okay?

So now you're going to say that that's not true. The earliest post on this blog seems to be posted on the 17th of April, last year. Well see, that was just to throw you off. *evil grin*

I did start blogging on the 17th of April in 2004. But that was on Sulekha. That "blog" if you want to call it that, can be found here. The first post on this blog was posted on the 5th of June, 2004. Once I started blogging here a little more regularly, I just copied my first ever blog post to this site, with the original date. Why? Oh, it felt like the right thing to do at the time.

Anyway. So, what else is special today?

Let's see. It's the 6th of June in the year 2005. That's 6/6/5. So one year from now, the date will be 6/6/6. The year of the Devil is just a year away.

Yes, I know. Very funny.

So, I've been blogging here for more than a year now. What next?

Well, I have a couple of things on my mind. First, hopefully, I'll start blogging everyday again. (Of course, that's probably just wishful thinking).

The other thing I've been thinking about, is starting a blog version of a soap opera. Why? Oh, just like that. It's something to do. In general of course, I've always been afraid of sharing a half-finished story with the world. But I'vevjust begun writing a story for which I don't have a specific end in mind, and I think I'll have to watch it evolve over an extended period of time, to see where it goes. And now I've experimented with episodic blogging in the Celestial Conversations, so I'm just a little more comfortable with the idea of publishing an incomplete story.

I've read stories split over multiple parts on blogs before. One of my favourite bloggers who does this, calls herself Fizo_Al on Sulekha. She now also blogs on blogger sometimes. Of course, I haven't read any of her latest stories, but they used to be quite interesting to follow.

What I'm going to attempt, though, isn't supposed to have a specific end. At least not yet. So writing something, and then not being able to go back and change it, is a little scary.
Still, let's see.

So does that mean that there will be no more Celestial Conversations? Naah. My God's not going anywhere yet. *smile*

I've also had this idea for a blog sit-com for a few months. I haven't been able to write one complete paragraph about that yet, though. Hopefully the new year of blogging will bring me some new words.

There's also that play-type comedy that I've been unable to complete for almost two years now. And the long pending blog-template update.

Lots of blogging to do. So little time.

(Alright. I can't resist it. Happy Belated Birthday Bloggy!)

In a moment of intense masochism a couple of weeks ago, I set up a Google Alert for the following piece of text - "it was a lovely december morning" (Yes, I hear you saying "Don't tell me you're still going on about that", but I've been known to be quite persistent about certain things).

So, last night Google sent me the following link - Sulekha Expressions

Now, I was initially a little surprised to see that link there, since JALS hasn't been on the main Sulekha page in ages. So I clicked on the link that took me to the page, and as I expected, my story wasn't there.

Still a little curious, I checked Google's cache. And was taken to this page - Google Cache for Sulekha Expressions. (The cache entry will probably expire soon, so here's a screenshot for the sake of posterity).

As you can imagine, my surprise soon turned to shock. Someone had plagiarised my story on Sulekha itself! Yes, it did get taken off the site within a day or so, but still! The fact that it went through their review process (one that lasted four months the last time I sent them a story of mine) and passed, is proof of a gaping hole in the way Sulekha functions, isn't it?

My disillusionment with Sulekha has been increasing for quite some time.

• The management behind the portal, specially the creative section, is hardly professional anymore.
  Here's a something I heard from a fellow Sulekha author -
  "I submitted the story a few months ago to Sulekha, and they rejected it - quite rudely - telling me that I should consider adding a little humour to it. I then tried submitting it without any changes, a couple of months later under a different name, and this time they published it in a couple of weeks."
  For the record, I considered that particular story quite funny.
• They keep adding new sections to their portal, without bothering to fix serious existing bugs.
• The link to the "Vintage" article on the site hasn't been changed in almost two years.
• Submissions sometimes take months to appear on the site, and then appear without letting the author know.
• Sulekha management is unresponsive.
• Their weblogs were supposed to have RSS support a year ago, and there is no sign of that yet.
• Private submissions magically became public during the last major upgrade, and there is no way to delete them now.
• The site design is confusing to say the least.

And now this.

Unfortunately, it is probably still the most popular forum for the Indian Community on the internet. And until that changes, they won't have any motivation to get their act together.

So, I'd just like to thank the kind soul who pointed the plagiarism out to the authorities. Thank you!

Update: Fixed broken link to JALS

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Prayers and Art: Celestial Conversations - XX

God: Hello
Me: Hi!
God: So, did you do anything interesting recently?
Me: Oh. I saw The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
God: Ah. On Discovery Channel?
Me: No, no! This is a movie, and is based on a radio show and a five-part trilogy by Douglas Adams.
God: Five-part Trilogy?
Me: It's complicated. But it's funny.
God: If you say so.
Me: It's quite nice.
God: So, this Douglas Adams chap.
Me: Yes?
God: Is he any good?
Me: He was, yes. Very good.
God: Was?
Me: He died a few years ago.
God: Oh. May I bless his soul.
Me: Amen.
God: I think I'll try to pick up one his books at the library.
Me: Uh, You might not like his writing all that much.
God: Why? You just said he was very good.
Me: Well he was an atheist.
God: So?
Me: That means he doesn't believe in God.
God: And?
Me: You're God.
God: I happen to be quite aware of that particular fact.
Me: And it doesn't bother You?
God: Why should it bother Me?
Me: Why wouldn't it bother You if someone doesn't believe You exist? In fact, Douglas Adams gave this long lecture once, about how he was convinced that You don't exist.
God: Would it bother you if someone somewhere stood up in the middle of a classroom and tried to convince everyone that you don't exist?
Me: Um... Probably not. In fact, I think I'd find it funny.
God: Same here.
Me: Interesting.
God: I don't have the slightest problem with atheists. They're a very amiable sort. It's the theists that I have trouble with.
Me: Hunh?
God: I'm not kidding.
Me: And why would You say that?
God: Because it's true! Atheists don't go around killing people in your name. Atheists don't blame you for everything that's wrong in the world.
Me: But atheists kill people too.
God: Not any more than theists. But at least they don't say it's for My sake.
Me: Surely, it's not all like that...
God: Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because a six year old child was praying to you to make his father stop beating him?
Me: Uh...
God: Have you ever had anyone pray to you to make their pain from chemotherapy stop?
Me: Um...
God: Did you know that almost every hitman says a silent prayer for forgiveness right before or after he makes a hit?
Me: Er...
God: Do you know how helpless it can feel to not be able to be able to feed a family of seven, after the father - the only earning member - died after being run over by a truck, all because of the policy of non-interference?
Me: I guess not.
God: It can be quite hard to be Me.
Me: I'm sure I can't imagine how hard.
God: I wish I could do something. But changing one thing today, changes an infinite number of things in the future. Moving a pin from one side of a desk to the other side, means billions of people who will never be born.
Me: I've read about that kind of thing. I believe the chaos theory is all about stuff like that.
God: You people have come up with a theory about chaos?
Me: I guess so.
God: Human beings never cease to amaze me.
Me: Well, it was You who created us.
God: I did no such thing!
Me: So You're still sticking to that story?
God: Story?
Me: That the universe just happened, and that it wasn't Your fault?
God: That's not a story.
Me: Fine.
God: Good. But tell me, what about you?
Me: Me?
God: Yes, you. Do you believe in Me?
Me: Um... er... Oh! Look at the time, will You? I had better go now!
God: Oh, okay. Good night then.
Me: Good night.

Next: Stop! Thief! : Celestial Conversations - XXII

Sticking to fiction kills a blogger's blogging frequency. No? I think so.

Are numerical digits any different from letters of the alphabet? Weren't all ASCII characters created equal? Don't all of them occupy the same number of bits? Isn't 'W' just as long to a computer as '1'? Would you buy a keyboard with a missing 'E' over one with a missing '0' (zero)?

What is this discrimination for, then? Why do these royal 'numbers' get to parade on a keyboard over the common lot of the 'letters', then? Is Mathematics any more important than English? How would you say three thousand seven hundred and sixty nine, if you didn't have language?

How would you sign a cheque? How would Milton talk about Paradise Lost? How would Shakespeare say 'Hamlet'?

Is equality only for the sexes then?

What's the point of all this?

Oh, nothing. I'm just sleepy.

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Bye, Mom! Bye Dad!!: Celestial Conversations XIX

---

God: Hello.
Me: Hi! So what have You been up to?
God: Oh, quite a lot, actually. We're working on getting that new school up and running.
Me: Ah, that must feel nice.
God: Yes, it does. It's been quite a long time since I've involved Myself personally in helping out.
Me: Really?
God: Yes, quite a long time. The last time I personally did something to help someone, was when I taught Leonardo to sketch.
Me: Da Vinci???
God: No, of course not! He's the one who taught Me to paint. I meant Di Caprio.
Me: What?
God: For that movie he did about that ship that sank.
Me: The Titanic?
God: Ah, yes. That's the one.
Me: You taught Leonardo Di Caprio how to sketch for that movie?
God: Well, I tried. I'm supposed to be the best teacher there is, but Leo was not a very good student. I heard that the director finally decided to do the sketch himself.
Me: Do You have any idea what the sketch was of?
God: No, unfortunately not. I got bored and left early.
Me: Good.
God: Good?
Me: Oh nothing, nothing! So, You watch movies?
God: I try to. I find the whole idea of movie-making quite interesting.
Me: You do?
God: Oh yes! Fiction, theatre, movies - they're all a wonderful concept that you people have come up with. It's a celebration of the act of lying. Human beings are really quite a strange species, don't you think?
Me: Um, I guess we are.
God: Oh, you definitely are. There was this guy I used to talk to, a few hundred years ago. His name had something to do with milk-shakes.
Me: Milk-shakes?
God: Yes. It was a strange name. Anyway. So he's the one who explained the concept to Me. It's quite simple, really. You start with a small lie, build a large number of lies around the first one, and keep going until you get bored. That's fiction. Act it out, and that's theatre. Capture it on film, and that's movies.
Me: Interesting definitions there.
God: Oh, you must take My word for it. He explained it quite clearly. He even made Me write a few stories just to make sure I understood how it worked.
Me: Really? What did You write?
God: Oh, nothing special. Very amateurish stuff. There was one about this young couple who fell in love, but their parents wouldn't let them get married. So they killed themselves.
Me: Umm...
God: And one about a pair of twins - a girl and a boy. Both of them were cross-dressers.
Me: Er...
God: That one was a bit ahead of its time.
Me: Yes, but -
God: And there was one about these three women who used to meet for a cup of coffee around this cauldron in the middle of the jungle, and give people bad advice. The wife of one of the guys who took their advice got OCD.
Me: OCD?
God: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. She kept wanting to wash her hands.
Me: That's -
God: Yes, like I said, quite amateurish.
Me: I won't even ask. But You were saying that Leonardo Da Vinci taught You to paint?
God: Yes. But I must say I wasn't very good at it.
Me: You weren't?
God: No. I tried painting a portrait of this woman once. I could never get her face right.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. I kept getting the smile wrong. It looked hideous.
Me: You -
God: Oh it was an embarrassment. I believe it even hung in someone's bathroom for sometime.
Me: You painted -
God: Oh, look at the time! I must be going now. We're taking admissions for the school.
Me: Oh, okay.
God: Bye!
Me: Hey, God.
God: Yes?
Me: Wanted to say one thing before You left.
God: Yes?
Me: Don't take this the wrong way.
God: Go ahead.
Me: Well, a friend of mine is going into surgery today.
God: Oh.
Me: I just wanted to... um... I hope it all goes fine.
God: Oh.
Me: You don't have to reply to what I'm saying.
God: Okay.
Me: Prayers sometimes get answered, but they tend not to be conversational.
God: Right.
Me: So, I'm just praying that it go well.
God: Right.
Me: That's all I wanted to say.
God: Okay.
Me: Um... I'll be going now.
God: Right. Right. Me too. Lots of stuff to do.
Me: Bye, then.
God: Bye.

---

Next: Belief: Celestial Conversations - XXI

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Hello Kitty: Celestial Conversations XVIII

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Me: Hello
God: Hi.
Me: So, Your parents still around?
God: They just left yesterday.
Me: Oh. So soon?
God: That's exactly what I was thinking. Time seems to have flown by.
Me: I know the feeling. It must have been hard watching them go.
God: That it was. I cried like a baby.
Me: You did?
God: Yeah. Never saw Myself as the kind of person who cries because He misses His Mommy.
Me: I'm sure no one else did either.
God: Not a very Godly image, right?
Me: You could say that gain. Anyway. So I guess You're going to have to start cooking again.
God: Oh, don't remind Me. Life sucks enough already.
Me: That it does.
God: Know what else sucks?
Me: What?
God: The earth.
Me: Hunh?
God: People think it's gravity that keeps them on the planet. In reality, the earth just sucks.
Me: Umm...
God: I read that on a T-Shirt.
Me: Oh.
God: I thought it was quite funny.
Me: Ha ha.
God: So anyway. For now it's just Me and the cat.
Me: Right. Hey, did You hear about the Pope?
God: Oh, did I ever! The gang hasn't talked about anything else, since they heard.
Me: You mean like the welcoming committee?
God: Welcoming Committee?
Me: I mean for when he comes to Heaven.
God: Oh, no! The row is about whether he does.
Me: Hunh?
God: Well, there's this big argument that started about whether he should be allowed into Heaven at all.
Me: Oh? Why?
God: Well, St Peter has gone on vacation for six months, and nobody can seem to find the Big Book.
Me: St Peter is on vacation?
God: Oh, yes. We don't add more than one person to Heaven in a couple of centuries anyway. So it's not like he's got a high pressure job or anything.
Me: Oh.
God: And a Pope's soul generally doesn't retire. They just inhabit the next chap.
Me: Ah.
God: But this one has had it, he says. He got tired of living.
Me: Okay. But what's the argument about.
God: Well, there're some who believe that since he's a man of God, and has been one all his life, he should enter Heaven. And then there're those who say that he doesn't believe in the "All men are created equal" theory, and that letting him into Heaven would be trouble. Quite a racket they've created.
Me: Interesting.
God: Too interesting for My tastes. I'm just sitting it out. I told them to figure it out and tell Me what they decide.
Me: The gang, I assume, is everyone else in Heaven?
God: Yes. And every one of them has got an opinion. Dad likes to call them The Gang. I guess it's better than calling them the inmates. Definitely feels like a nuthouse though, sometimes.
Me: Okay. And they've been discussing it since he died?
God: Actually the argument started a month before his death.
Me: Oh?
God: Yes. The Pope sent in a "Fate decision request" around that time. At least while Mom was here, she was presiding the committee.
Me: She was?
God: Yes. The gang can be can be quite unruly. She had them take turns to talk, and everything. Before that, all I'd hear is one loud din.
Me: Interesting.
God: But now she's left, and they're driving Me crazy. I wish I could take a vacation.
Me: You? Then who would be God?
God: Well, I was watching "Bruce Almighty" the other day. In the movie, I left a guy in charge for a week.
Me: But that was a movie. And You saw the mess the man made of the world.
God: Do you think the world's not already a mess? How much worse could it get?
Me: Good point there. But who would You leave in charge?
God: Well, you're as good as anyone else.
Me: Me?
God: Of course.
Me: But why me?
God: Well why Me?
Me: But I'm not equipped to be God!
God: You think I am?
Me: At least You have aeons of experience!
God: That's just an excuse to not take up the job. See, that's one of the things you need to improve about yourself. You shouldn't be afraid to meet a challenge head-on.
Me: I don't think my insurance covers that kind of head-on collision. And anyway, I have a project deadline coming up. I can't take on the job of being God!
God: Oh. That's okay, then. But how about after this project?
Me: No!
God: Why not?
Me: I have projects lined up one after the other till the day I die.
God: Oh. That sounds like My job. Anyway. I'd better start cooking. Or I'll go hungry tonight.
Me: Yes, You do that.
God: See ya, then.
Me: Bye.

---

Next: Prayers and Art: Celestial Conversations - XX

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Godparents : Celestial Conversations - XVII

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Me: Hello?
God: Hello.
Me: So, how does it feel to have Your parents staying with You?
God: Oh, pretty nice actually. I get to eat Mom's cooking.
Me: Ah, yes. That's always nice.
God: Yes. No one can make sun-dried tomatoes quite like she can.
Me: Good, good. So, are You planning to show them around the city?
God: Oh, no. They prefer to get around by themselves.
Me: They do?
God: Yes. They're the independent sort, My parents.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes. They are in Las Vegas this week.
Me: They are?
God: Yes. Dad is in one of those Elvis impersonation groups.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. He grew sideburns one day, and joined them. Now once in a while, he puts on a suit and jumps out of an airplane.
Me: What?
God: Yes. They call themselves the Flying Elvi.
Me: Ah.
God: So I'm stuck at home vacuuming fur-balls.
Me: What?
God: Well, I made a very stupid mistake.
Me: You made a mistake? That's hard to believe.
God: I did. And it was a stupid one.
Me: So what did You do?
God: Well, Mom asked Me if I liked big cats.
Me: Okay.
God: And I told her I loved them. That they were the most elegant animals on the planet.
Me: Okay.
God: So she got Me a house cat.
Me: And?
God: I thought she was talking about the wild ones! You know, Tigers, Jaguars, Pumas...
Me: Ah.
God: And she found a fat stinking stray house cat, and gifted it to Me!
Me: Quite a disappointment, I can see.
God: You bet it was. And as if that wasn't enough, she wants to get Me another one for My birthday.
Me: You have a birthday?
God: Doesn't everyone?
Me: But You're God!
God: Why do you keep saying that?
Me: Well, aren't You?
God: Of course, I am. So?
Me: So, a birthday is the day a person is born. You weren't born!
God: That's discrimination.
Me: But You weren't!
God: I have parents.
Me: You were adopted!
God: Now you've gone and hurt my feelings.
Me: Alright, so You arranged it, but that doesn't change anything.
God: It still wasn't a nice thing to say.
Me: Fine! I'm sorry. So You have a birthday. When is it?
God: Zero A.G.
Me: What?
God: That's my birthday.
Me: 'Zero A.G.' isn't a real date.
God: It was, before they messed things up with the Gregorian Calendar.
Me: Well, what does the A.G. stand for?
God: After God.
Me: Very clever.
God: You should read the scriptures, and Trust in Me. You're too skeptical.
Me: Fine, I believe You. But that's only a birth-date. When is Your birthday?
God: Hunh?
Me: I mean when do You celebrate Your birthday?
God: It depends.
Me: On what?
God: The stellar calendar.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. Based on the relative positioning of the stars and the theory of relativity I can celebrate My birthday on practically any day.
Me: I'll pretend I understand and believe that.
God: See? Too skeptical. I'm sure you'll go to Hell.
Me: That's not a very nice thing to say.
God: Fine, then. We're even. You hurt My feelings, and now I've hurt yours.
Me: That's just childish.
God: Well by some calculations, I'm just a year old.
Me: And how did You get that?
God: Oh, simple. Since I'm God, My age is the only absolute age. So, taking My age to be the primary unit of age calculation, I'm precisely One.
Me: Ah.
God: You don't believe me?
Me: Of course I do.
God: I can prove it. There's a mathematical formula and everything.
Me: No, no. I believe You.
God: I can even prove that 1 is equal to 2.
Me: I'm sure that's true.
God: I can prove it.
Me: In God We Trust.
God: Now that's My boy!
Me: You're a good teacher.
God: Of course I am. Anyway. Have to go now. I think the cat's got Diarrhea.
Me: Ugh.
God: You can say that again.

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Next: Bye, Mom! Bye Dad!!: Celestial Conversations XIX

First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: God's Will? : Celestial Conversations - XVI

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God: Hello
Me: Hi! Where have You been?
God: Oh, I spent the last few weeks mostly sleeping.
Me: Sleeping?
God: Yes. Had to stock up on it. My parents are coming over this weekend.
Me: Your parents? You have parents?
God: Is that a problem?
Me: But You are God!
God: Why do you keep saying that?
Me: But how come You have parents?
God: Oh, pretty simple. I put myself up for adoption.
Me: Adoption?
God: Of course. Apparently, people without parents do that.
Me: Only children can be put up for adoption!
God: That sounds very discriminatory to me.
Me: I can't argue with that. But why did You put Yourself up for adoption?
God: Oh, filling out government forms was becoming quite a hassle. They keep asking for your parents' names everywhere.
Me: Oh. So You fill government forms.
God: I had to. They were telling me I didn't exist.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes. Filling those forms became quite necessary. And now I've filled so many forms that they think I exist all over the place.
Me: Interesting.
God: So what was I talking about?
Me: Oh, You were telling me that's why You got Yourself new parents.
God: Yeah.
Me: Okay. So You just went out and got them, eh?
God: Well, it wasn't an easy decision.
Me: Really? Why?
God: Well, most of the candidates wanted the scriptures to be rewritten to read "The GrandFather, The GrandMother, The Father, The Son & The Holy Spirit."
Me: Oh! That's quite unreasonable.
God: Not really. The trouble was meeting the Pope to ask him to do that.
Me: What?
God: Yes. His secretary told me his appointments are booked till the year 2025.
Me: You actually thought the demand was okay, then?
God: Why not? If I'm The Supreme Father, then my parents are The Supreme Grandparents, right?
Me: Right. So how did you get these ones to agree?
God: Well, Dad was already quite famous. He prefers to lie low these days. He's so famous they even wrote a book about him.
Me: Oh?
God: Yes. More than thirty years ago.
Me: Ah.
God: And the book was so popular they even made a movie out of it. Marlon Brando played Dad.
Me: Wow. That's cool.
God: I know. Dad was really something. People used to call us The Family. It was fun.
Me: Oh. You mean Your father was... The... The...
God: Exactly. But he's retired now.
Me: Wow. Not hard to see why You chose him. Given what they called him, it's almost like he was destined for the job.
God: Well, if he was My choice, then isn't it destiny anyway?
Me: I always thought Destiny was a girl.
God: That she is.
Me: Really?
God: Yep. Skinny, brown-haired, and freckled. Wears braces for the effect of it. I never understood that. She's got perfectly straight teeth.
Me: Oh. So she works for You?
God: No way. I can't afford her rates.
Me: No? Then she works for the Dev-... him?
God: No, no. She's more of a free-lancer.
Me: Oh. Anyway. What does Your parents coming over, have to do with Your stocking up on sleep?
God: Have you heard my dad snore?
Me: Oh. That bad?
God: Like you wouldn't believe. Where my dad sleeps, the neighbours often think they're having an earthquake.
Me: Ah. And you live in a studio.
God: Yes.
Me: Isn't it about time You got a bigger apartment?
God: Yes. I'm in the process of doing that.
Me: Oh, that's nice. Where are you moving?
God: Sri Lanka.
Me: That sounds interesting.
God: Yes. They wanted to build a school in one of the places that got washed out by the Tsunami. So we offered to take it up.
Me: So You're going to start a new school? That's really nice. But how can you afford that?
God: Oh that's simple. It's all paid for by charity.
Me: That's nice.
God: Yes, and the best thing is that they're going to build teachers' quarters.
Me: So You're going to get the rest of the crew to join You too?
God: Yes. They were beginning to miss Heaven.
Me: But are fourteen people enough to start a school?
God: Oh, Lucifer is going to help out. He's going to send some of his people over as visiting faculty.
Me: What?
God: Well, what do you expect me to do? Starting a school is not easy.
Me: But teachers from Hell? Aren't you afraid you'll corrupt the children?
God: Well, how do you teach anyone the difference between Good and Evil if you can't teach them the meaning of True Evil?
Me: Good point.
God: Anyway. I must be going now. Have to buy some cigars for dad.
Me: Oh, okay. See ya.
God: Bye.

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Next: Hello Kitty: Celestial Conversations XVIII

Blogger with a capital "B" of course.

Yesterday I couldn't post anything because I couldn't even log in to my blog maintenance screens. And today I can't post comments on anyone else's Blogger blog. People can only comment on their own Blogger blogs. Quite boring. Interestingly, Blogger's spell-check tool doesn't recognize the following words in this post -

1. Blogger
2. blog
   

Pretty smart, eh?

So what's my excuse for not posting for the two weeks before that happened?

*sheepish grin*

A new post will be put up on this blog in less than 24 hours - unless Blogger dies on me again.

Don't go away! We'll be right back after the messages (or lack thereof).