Hello Kitty: Celestial Conversations XVIII

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
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First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: Godparents : Celestial Conversations - XVII

Me: Hello?
God: Hello.
Me: So, how does it feel to have Your parents staying with You?
God: Oh, pretty nice actually. I get to eat Mom's cooking.
Me: Ah, yes. That's always nice.
God: Yes. No one can make sun-dried tomatoes quite like she can.
Me: Good, good. So, are You planning to show them around the city?
God: Oh, no. They prefer to get around by themselves.
Me: They do?
God: Yes. They're the independent sort, My parents.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes. They are in Las Vegas this week.
Me: They are?
God: Yes. Dad is in one of those Elvis impersonation groups.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. He grew sideburns one day, and joined them. Now once in a while, he puts on a suit and jumps out of an airplane.
Me: What?
God: Yes. They call themselves the Flying Elvi.
Me: Ah.
God: So I'm stuck at home vacuuming fur-balls.
Me: What?
God: Well, I made a very stupid mistake.
Me: You made a mistake? That's hard to believe.
God: I did. And it was a stupid one.
Me: So what did You do?
God: Well, Mom asked Me if I liked big cats.
Me: Okay.
God: And I told her I loved them. That they were the most elegant animals on the planet.
Me: Okay.
God: So she got Me a house cat.
Me: And?
God: I thought she was talking about the wild ones! You know, Tigers, Jaguars, Pumas...
Me: Ah.
God: And she found a fat stinking stray house cat, and gifted it to Me!
Me: Quite a disappointment, I can see.
God: You bet it was. And as if that wasn't enough, she wants to get Me another one for My birthday.
Me: You have a birthday?
God: Doesn't everyone?
Me: But You're God!
God: Why do you keep saying that?
Me: Well, aren't You?
God: Of course, I am. So?
Me: So, a birthday is the day a person is born. You weren't born!
God: That's discrimination.
Me: But You weren't!
God: I have parents.
Me: You were adopted!
God: Now you've gone and hurt my feelings.
Me: Alright, so You arranged it, but that doesn't change anything.
God: It still wasn't a nice thing to say.
Me: Fine! I'm sorry. So You have a birthday. When is it?
God: Zero A.G.
Me: What?
God: That's my birthday.
Me: 'Zero A.G.' isn't a real date.
God: It was, before they messed things up with the Gregorian Calendar.
Me: Well, what does the A.G. stand for?
God: After God.
Me: Very clever.
God: You should read the scriptures, and Trust in Me. You're too skeptical.
Me: Fine, I believe You. But that's only a birth-date. When is Your birthday?
God: Hunh?
Me: I mean when do You celebrate Your birthday?
God: It depends.
Me: On what?
God: The stellar calendar.
Me: Oh.
God: Yes. Based on the relative positioning of the stars and the theory of relativity I can celebrate My birthday on practically any day.
Me: I'll pretend I understand and believe that.
God: See? Too skeptical. I'm sure you'll go to Hell.
Me: That's not a very nice thing to say.
God: Fine, then. We're even. You hurt My feelings, and now I've hurt yours.
Me: That's just childish.
God: Well by some calculations, I'm just a year old.
Me: And how did You get that?
God: Oh, simple. Since I'm God, My age is the only absolute age. So, taking My age to be the primary unit of age calculation, I'm precisely One.
Me: Ah.
God: You don't believe me?
Me: Of course I do.
God: I can prove it. There's a mathematical formula and everything.
Me: No, no. I believe You.
God: I can even prove that 1 is equal to 2.
Me: I'm sure that's true.
God: I can prove it.
Me: In God We Trust.
God: Now that's My boy!
Me: You're a good teacher.
God: Of course I am. Anyway. Have to go now. I think the cat's got Diarrhea.
Me: Ugh.
God: You can say that again.

Next: Bye, Mom! Bye Dad!!: Celestial Conversations XIX

Godparents : Celestial Conversations - XVII

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Labels: , , , ,
First: Celestial Conversation
Previous: God's Will? : Celestial Conversations - XVI

God: Hello
Me: Hi! Where have You been?
God: Oh, I spent the last few weeks mostly sleeping.
Me: Sleeping?
God: Yes. Had to stock up on it. My parents are coming over this weekend.
Me: Your parents? You have parents?
God: Is that a problem?
Me: But You are God!
God: Why do you keep saying that?
Me: But how come You have parents?
God: Oh, pretty simple. I put myself up for adoption.
Me: Adoption?
God: Of course. Apparently, people without parents do that.
Me: Only children can be put up for adoption!
God: That sounds very discriminatory to me.
Me: I can't argue with that. But why did You put Yourself up for adoption?
God: Oh, filling out government forms was becoming quite a hassle. They keep asking for your parents' names everywhere.
Me: Oh. So You fill government forms.
God: I had to. They were telling me I didn't exist.
Me: Ah.
God: Yes. Filling those forms became quite necessary. And now I've filled so many forms that they think I exist all over the place.
Me: Interesting.
God: So what was I talking about?
Me: Oh, You were telling me that's why You got Yourself new parents.
God: Yeah.
Me: Okay. So You just went out and got them, eh?
God: Well, it wasn't an easy decision.
Me: Really? Why?
God: Well, most of the candidates wanted the scriptures to be rewritten to read "The GrandFather, The GrandMother, The Father, The Son & The Holy Spirit."
Me: Oh! That's quite unreasonable.
God: Not really. The trouble was meeting the Pope to ask him to do that.
Me: What?
God: Yes. His secretary told me his appointments are booked till the year 2025.
Me: You actually thought the demand was okay, then?
God: Why not? If I'm The Supreme Father, then my parents are The Supreme Grandparents, right?
Me: Right. So how did you get these ones to agree?
God: Well, Dad was already quite famous. He prefers to lie low these days. He's so famous they even wrote a book about him.
Me: Oh?
God: Yes. More than thirty years ago.
Me: Ah.
God: And the book was so popular they even made a movie out of it. Marlon Brando played Dad.
Me: Wow. That's cool.
God: I know. Dad was really something. People used to call us The Family. It was fun.
Me: Oh. You mean Your father was... The... The...
God: Exactly. But he's retired now.
Me: Wow. Not hard to see why You chose him. Given what they called him, it's almost like he was destined for the job.
God: Well, if he was My choice, then isn't it destiny anyway?
Me: I always thought Destiny was a girl.
God: That she is.
Me: Really?
God: Yep. Skinny, brown-haired, and freckled. Wears braces for the effect of it. I never understood that. She's got perfectly straight teeth.
Me: Oh. So she works for You?
God: No way. I can't afford her rates.
Me: No? Then she works for the Dev-... him?
God: No, no. She's more of a free-lancer.
Me: Oh. Anyway. What does Your parents coming over, have to do with Your stocking up on sleep?
God: Have you heard my dad snore?
Me: Oh. That bad?
God: Like you wouldn't believe. Where my dad sleeps, the neighbours often think they're having an earthquake.
Me: Ah. And you live in a studio.
God: Yes.
Me: Isn't it about time You got a bigger apartment?
God: Yes. I'm in the process of doing that.
Me: Oh, that's nice. Where are you moving?
God: Sri Lanka.
Me: That sounds interesting.
God: Yes. They wanted to build a school in one of the places that got washed out by the Tsunami. So we offered to take it up.
Me: So You're going to start a new school? That's really nice. But how can you afford that?
God: Oh that's simple. It's all paid for by charity.
Me: That's nice.
God: Yes, and the best thing is that they're going to build teachers' quarters.
Me: So You're going to get the rest of the crew to join You too?
God: Yes. They were beginning to miss Heaven.
Me: But are fourteen people enough to start a school?
God: Oh, Lucifer is going to help out. He's going to send some of his people over as visiting faculty.
Me: What?
God: Well, what do you expect me to do? Starting a school is not easy.
Me: But teachers from Hell? Aren't you afraid you'll corrupt the children?
God: Well, how do you teach anyone the difference between Good and Evil if you can't teach them the meaning of True Evil?
Me: Good point.
God: Anyway. I must be going now. Have to buy some cigars for dad.
Me: Oh, okay. See ya.
God: Bye.

Next: Hello Kitty: Celestial Conversations XVIII

Bad Blogger!

on Posted by Rajesh J Advani
Blogger with a capital "B" of course.

Yesterday I couldn't post anything because I couldn't even log in to my blog maintenance screens. And today I can't post comments on anyone else's Blogger blog. People can only comment on their own Blogger blogs. Quite boring. Interestingly, Blogger's spell-check tool doesn't recognize the following words in this post -

  1. Blogger
  2. blog
Pretty smart, eh?

So what's my excuse for not posting for the two weeks before that happened?

*sheepish grin*

A new post will be put up on this blog in less than 24 hours - unless Blogger dies on me again.

Don't go away! We'll be right back after the messages (or lack thereof).